Coming Soon To A Club Near You…

Following the glut of foreign billionaires who have swamped the Premier League, we take a look at some of the other world renowned businessmen looking to buy into The Best League On This Or Any Other Planet.


Vladamir Lublin (left): Russian billionaire. Lublin built his fortune after winning Russia’s steel industry in a game of cards. He lists his hobbies as skiing, football and murdering business rivals. Lifelong Middlesbrough fan.

Ravashing Wakanitrampong: President for life of Vietnam. Wakanitrampong recently celebrated his 67th birthday by abolishing democracy and marrying one of his daughters. Linked with Birmingham City.


Crown Prince Bin Al Bin Rak Bin Man Al Saud (right): Member of the Saudi Royal Family. Said to be interested in buying a Premier League club as a birthday surprise for his horrible son. Rumoured to have purchased Reading for his eldest daughter who then swapped the Berkshire club for an iPod Nano.

Andy Nurk: American internet billionaire and Star Trek fanatic. Thirty three year old Nurk hopes that purchasing a football club will enable him to meet girls. Wants to take over Everton, reshape the stadium into a replica of the planet Vulcan and install Leonard Nimoy as Director of Football.

Le Saux – “I Am Not Gay”

Southampton defender Graham Le Saux has again denied rumours that he is gay.

“I am not gay”, said Le Saux, thereby further fuelling rumours that he is, in fact, gay.

Right: A gay, yesterday.

Shorts Offensive – News From Lesser Sports

HORSE RACING
Monty Priestman, trainer of the legendary invisible horse Take It Away Cho-Cho, has died aged 93. The horse, which could only be seen by Priestman (and latterly his son Theo), has won an incredible 2544 races in a sixty-year career and mourned the loss of his trainer with a convincing eight-lengths triumph at Kelso.

BOXING
UK featherweight contender Paul Jessop has announced his retirement from the sport due to a persistently itchy leg.

RUGBY UNION
Tickets for this Saturday’s Heineken Cup match between Leicester and Wasps are all void as the back of the tickets contain a voucher entitling the owner to a kiss from Vicki Stimpson, the barmaid of Leicester’s popular Ram’s Hand pub. Miss Stimpson claims she only agreed to kisses on the cheek, whereas the voucher promises ‘a full-on tongue-wrestle’.

The match has been postponed.

NETBALL
Great Britain international Melanie Bell (right, left) has won her appeal allowing her to be able to play with her own ball during matches in addition to and separate from the actual match ball, after claiming that her human rights were being breached.

The British Netball Council are launching a similar appeal to Brussels claiming that their own human rights allow one of their representatives to run on to the court and put a spanner through Miss Bell’s fucking ball.

Spotted…

JAN VENEGOOR OF HESSELINK driving a motorised bed down the street in aid of a charity for orphaned clowns…

STELIOS knocking on random doors offering strangers tarot readings from a pack of Knight Rider Top Trumps…

CARLOS TEVEZ rifling through a skip looking for cakes…

Five commentator JOHN HELM summoning imaginary snakes from a broken laundry basket on Feltham High Street…

Finally, Campo Shaves Face

Ivan Campo has given in to requests from team mates and shaved off his excess facial hair.

Campo, who was born in a forest and raised by wolves, suffers from a condition which causes hair to grow all over his face. If left to grow, it covers his cheeks, forehead, nose and tongue. In recent months, Campo had stopped shaving his face and was said to resemble "a Royal Grenadier’s busby."

He finally decided to shave when he could no longer see the ball in training. "Ivan’s a lovely lad and always the last to leave the training ground", said manager Gary Megson. "But that’s mainly because he couldn’t find the gate to let himself out."

Left: Campo, some days ago

What The Papers Talk…

Bayern Munich are planning a £15m move for Fyfe Dangerfield from Guillemots, paving the way for tattooed crone Amy Winehouse (right) to join Manchester United. (Daily Star)

Arsenal defender Ry Cooder, whose contract is up in the summer, has held talks with West Ham who are interested in the veteran slide guitarist. (Daily Mirror)

Sunderland have targeted Inverness Caley Thistle striker Conor Oberst and Airdrie midfielder Queen Latifah (left). (Daily Record)

Scotland striker Garry O’Connor is hoping to win a release from The Eagles of Death Metal. (Daily Record)

Time For Everyone To Get Wise

March is ‘National Get Your Own Back On Dennis Wise Month.’

Anyone who has ever suffered any kind of slight at the hands of the recently-appointed Newcastle United Technical Man can make an appointment to meet with him and gain retribution by clattering him with a plank of wood.

Wise says "This is long overdue and I’m happy to take a dose of what’s coming to me. What an appalling appalling excuse for a man I’ve been".

Pardew – “There’s An Art To Mediocrity”

Beleaguered Charlton boss Alan Pardew has leapt to his own defence.

Pardew spoke to the press this morning, saying "Whereas some people just see Alan Pardew the football manager, I look at myself as Alan Pardew the artist, a whole and fully-formed person. It just so happens that Alan Pardew the artist is going through what some might call his ‘mediocrity period’ but in a year from now it could be his ‘promotion period’. Or maybe his ‘gardening and crosswords period’.

It’s just a case of looking at the bigger picture. There are lots of leagues. No-one says you have to be in the top one all the time".

Fulham Fudge Farm Up And Running

Beleaguered Fulham manager Roy Hodgson today cut the tape to open Fulham’s latest money-spinning venture, a fudge factory.

“I’m really proud to be opening this new shop”, smiled Hodgson. “And I hope fans of Fulham and fudge enjoy coming along to Craven Cottage to buy some of our Fulham Fudge Farm branded confectionery.”

Chairman Mohammed Al Fayed was on hand to reveal the first range of flavours to go on sale. They include:

• Jimmy Greaves ‘The Legend’ Chocolate Ripple Dipple Fudge
• Diomansy Kamara Double Choc Rum ‘n’ Raisin Riot Fudge
• Antti Niemi Creamy Vanilla Truffle Nutmeg Fudge Plus
• Carlos Bocanegra Thick Triple Whipped Tiramisu Fudge

And impish midfield dynamo Jimmy Bullard (right) came out of the kitchen to announce he was cooking up his own special selection. “I’m working on the Jimmy Bullard Banana Nut Clusterfuck Fudge. It tastes magic but the gaffer’s not sure about the name.”

What The Papers Talk…

Tottenham are tracking Germany defender Ralf Hutter (left), who plays for Kraftwerk. (Daily Mirror)

Liverpool will offer midfielder Xabi Alonoso a double-your-roast-lamb-shank deal to prevent him being tempted by Real Madrid’s hotpot. (Various)
Portsmouth are chasing Helsingborg star Rat Scabies (right), in a £250,000 swoop that would make the midfielder the first veteran punk drummer to play a drum solo in a Premiership fixture. (Daily Star)

Everton are planning to snare Crewe defender Billy Jones after Stoke failed to lure him into a cardboard box using Tesco’s Finest Duck and Port pate as bait. (Daily Mail)

Fulham will sign Preston’s Samantha Mumba – once the keeper’s loan spell at Wigan ends. (Daily Mail)