Snooker: Ronnie Plans To Out-Fox Opponents

Ronnie O’Sullivan is the favourite to win the inaugural Pro-Animal Masters at Sheffield next month after he unveiled his playing partner, a white fox named Fitzcarraldo.

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Jewell: “I’ll Tear This Club Apart”

Paul Jewell has threatened to completely dismantle Derby County if there are any more abject performances from his team next season.

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Kinnear: Out Of Sight Out Of Mind

Former Wimbledon manager Joe Kinnear has revealed he’s been invisible since January of last year.

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Poker: Robot Shows Its Hand

All internet poker has been temporarily suspended after it was revealed that 97% of all online players are in fact a robot owned by Steven Spielberg.

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Pigeon Racing: Skyman Simon Big Fat Lie-Man?

Pigeon racing has a new star – Simon Hepplestone, a 42 year-old former lecturer (left).

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Refs Are Gonna Be All-Wright

Ian Hatches Plans For Ref Respect

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Situations Vacant – Callers Required For 606

Radio 5 Live are looking for potential applicants to be a caller on their prestigious 606 phone in.

You will have at least three years experience of annoying the living shit out of colleagues, friends and family with your half-baked, lobotomised opinions on football.

A loud foghorn like voice and comical local accent would be beneficial, as well as a mobile phone that doesn’t work properly.

To apply please write a paragraph of incoherent babble starting with the phrase “Hello Alan, I’m on the M1 and I’d just like to say…”

Glory, Glory David Beckham!!

Released by the Press and Publicity Department of The Football Association

In a gesture of great magnanimity, Claudio Capello has handed England hero David Beckham the 100th cap he so richly deserves. Beckham will face France in a totally underwhelming sporting event to be staged at the Stade de France this week.

The mighty England band will sound the fanfare as thousands of supporters, draped in the flag of St. George, leaf through their overpriced commemorative programmes and wonder whether it was worth the effort.

History will be made in France as Beckham earns his one hundredth cap, having played in so many meaningless encounters just like this one.

Behind our brave Centurion will be the firm jawed, charismatic captain Rio Ferdinand, determined to put in a so-so performance and lead his team to a rather dispiriting single goal defeat.

“It is a night for heroes,” said Ferdinand, dressed as Queen Elizabeth II. “We need the crowd to be our twelfth man as we don the three lions. All the players will look to the fans to cheer them on as they get substituted at half time or just after.”

Rafa Tonguing His Way Across Europe

Eyebrows were raised when ex-Ajax star Rafael Van De Vaart opted to sign for middling FC Hamburg a couple of seasons ago.

But the Dutch international has finally revealed his reasons for the decision, telling us, ‘I am the number one Rolling Stones fan and I plan to draw their hot tongue logo across Europe with my career moves. Next stop Stranraer!’

Indeed, Van De Vaart translates as ‘of the tongue’.

Spotted…

FRANK ARNESEN (right) sailing up a Vietnamese river in search of a mythical centre-half who Avram Grant had told him about….

GORDON STRACHAN in full clown make-up, teaching his pet seal Gemini to balance a ball on its nose…

MICHAEL GRAY pouring coins into a Bananas in Pyjamas children’s ride at a motorway service station, shouting “Forty five minutes on the bucking bronco! Come on!!”…