High Jinks On The High Seas For Roman

Chelsea owner Roman Abramovich recently invited AC Milan representatives on to his personal yacht – then hid in a kitchen cupboard, giggling like a schoolgirl.

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Spurs Give Premier League Dossier Of Complaints

Spurs Chairman Daniel Levy has handed a thick file of complaints to the Premier league, who have admitted that there is very little they can do about his grievances.

Levy’s list of complaints includes:

• “Why is there nothing  for men of my age to watch on TV anymore? I spend ages searching round the  EPG and it’s the same old crap every day. Who the bloody hell is Steve  Wilkos? As for Big Brother…it really is a big bag of soggy shit, isn’t it? And the example it sets to young people. I despair.”

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Evra In Shock Global Plum Run

Patrice Evra has returned early from Manchester United’s tour of South Africa after his plums ripened prematurely.

The French international made an eleventh-hour dash back to the garden of his Wilmslow mansion after receiving a telegram from his wife informing him that the plums were ripe for picking.

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Hendrie Discovered In Serb Warlord’s Beard

Former Aston Villa, Stoke and Sheffield United player Lee Hendrie has been found sleeping in the beard of Radovan Karadzic.
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Ince Still ‘The Guv’nor’

Paul Ince has wasted no time in letting Blackburn know he is in charge by nailing Brad Friedel under a carpet.

Ince has also showed his hand early by locking David Bentley in the boot of his car, giving Roque Santa Cruz a Chinese burn and threatening to set fire to Brett Emerton’s hair.
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Bentley Swoop Could Trigger Chaos

It has been revealed that by landing transfer target David Bentley, Tottenham could trigger a whole chain of events, including a local vicar ripping skirt off a young mother.

WHAT WILL HAPPEN IF BENTLEY MOVES:

David Bentley signs for Tottenham Hotspur. Ink from pen squirts into Bentley’s face, causing him to lurch backwards and fall out of boardroom window at White Hart Lane…

Bentley falls onto a precariously placed plank, causing opposite end of plank to fly up. This sends a labourer carrying a bucket of wet plaster upwards. Labourer drops bucket of plaster onto head of passing vicar on bicycle…
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Premier League Script In Final Draft Stage

The Premier League has revealed they are close to tying up the final league positions for the 2008-9 season.

League chief Richard Scudamore, main sponsor Barclays and representatives from BSkyB and the BBC have been thrashing out next season’s results for most of June and it is thought an agreement on a final draft script has finally been reached.

“We certainly know who the top four will be,” revealed an insider. “And the big news is that we will definitely have our final day showdown at the top of the table, as per usual.”

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Scolari In Barmy Polari Malarkey

Following an administrative mix up, it has emerged that Luiz Felipe Scolari has not been studying English at all but has instead taken lessons in the mid-20th Century gay slang, Polari.

Evidence came to light during his first press conference in the UK when he announced to the eager journalists “Ooh hello, my name is Felipe and it’s bona to vader your eeks, isn’t it Peter?”
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The Dream Factory

YOUR FOOTBALL DREAMS ANALYSED BY AUSTRIA’S TOP DREAM EXPERT, JOSEF TRONDHEIM…

Dear Dr. Trondheim,

I had a weird dream last night. I was in a pub and Alan Brazil and another bloke were at the bar. The other bloke said he was an ex-Ipswich player and dared me to guess who he was.
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Barton – “I’m After Silverware”

Newcastle midfielder Joey Barton says he is definitely in the hunt for silverware.

Speaking exclusively to Sports Offensive from his prison cell he said, “I need at least one sharp spoon and a knife so I can get the tunnel underway.”