FA deny 'vuvubongzela' left behind in England dressing room
Posted: June 29, 2010 Filed under: Sports Offensive, Uncategorized | Tags: drugs, england, pizza, vuvubongzela, world cup Leave a comment »
Following the failure of England in the World Cup, FA bosses have rushed to deny reports of drug paraphenalia left in the dressing room after the ignominious defeat to Germany.
Stories are circulating that cleaners found a home made device that is thought to have been some kind of pipe for smoking cannabis.
An FA spokesman said: “There is no substance to the stories that a pipe, which some people have described as a vuvubongzela, was discovered in a player’s locker.”
“Neither is it true that an order went out for eleven deep dish Meat Feast pizzas at half time”.
The FA refuted all allegations that the national side may have played under the influence of illegal drugs, saying: “Even if they had each smoked an eighth of skunk they couldn’t have played as badly as they did against Germany.”
Shorts Offensive – World Cup chunks
Posted: June 29, 2010 Filed under: Sports Offensive, Uncategorized Leave a comment »
Following his amazing second goal against Mexico, CARLOS TEVEZ has been canonised and will become Argentina’s Patron Saint of Raw Meat.
The largest number of cards shown in the World Cup so far is seven, by Paraguayan referee CARLOS SANTANA. Carlos also performed a sizzling guitar solo to calm down a confrontation between the managers of USA and South Korea.
England failure JOHN TERRY has told fans to visit his Oxshott home where they can each claim “one item of furniture or electrical goods or a quick snog” in compensation.
If Brazil reaches the final, mercurial midfielder KAKA hopes the team will adopt his live vampire bat as a mascot. “He is now very large. His wingspan reaches three metres and he feeds on the blood of goats. His name is Cocoabean”.
WAYNE ROONEY has yet to be told that England have been knocked out of the World Cup. Says STUART PEARCE, “He is a very emotional boy and we are worried the shock might upset him”.
Pundit DAVID PLEAT has called for the introduction of goal-line technology “which will be monitored from a central observation dome hidden in a secret complex at the bottom of the Mediterranean sea, controlled by me and henchman”.
John Terry: now officially 'in heat'
Posted: June 17, 2010 Filed under: Sports Offensive, Uncategorized | Tags: england, heat, john terry 1 Comment »
Terry: fucking gagging for it
Visitors to the England team camp and hotel have been issued with official notice that captain John Terry is now in heat and must be approached with due care and attention.
Assistant coach Stuart Pearce handed out the notices and warned journalists: “No-one is safe. Once John goes in heat we all need to be on red alert. We have tried to confine him to his room with a selection of adult videos but he is begging to be let out”.
It is rumoured that Terry has been disturbing other residents at the team’s luxury hotel by howling like a baboon and rubbing himself up against pieces of furniture.
“We believe a Louix XII reproduction armchair caught fire due to excessive Terry frottage”, reports hotel manager Kurt Vanspall. “We managed to put out the fire, and Mr Terry’s ardour, with a large bucket of water”.
It is thought Terry will be in heat for at least seven days and the RAF has agreed to fly in rations of bromide, which will be placed in Terry’s Lucozade Sport.
World Cup ball – internal rotors at fault
Posted: June 17, 2010 Filed under: Sports Offensive, Uncategorized | Tags: ball, internal rotors, jabulani, world cup Leave a comment »
Adidas have finally answered growing criticism of the World Cup ball by revealing there is a problem with two of the six internal rotors on their self-pumping ball.
“Our science department in Munich has reported a malfunction in the self-pumping chamber of the Jabulani ball”, admits R&D Head Gerhardt Manschel.
“In addition to the aeroswerve irrationality chamber, the self-pumping mechanism is key to the unique and technically advanced components of the World Cup ball.”
He added: “Unfortunately, we have been monitoring the ball and discovered fluctuations in rotor speed functionality”.
Adidas hope to deflect the wave of criticism by issuing remote controls so that referees can manually adjust the internal rate of rotation during games.
Dunga: "No one gets my chilli recipe!"
Posted: June 16, 2010 Filed under: Sports Offensive, Uncategorized | Tags: brazil, chilli, dunga, north korea, recipe Leave a comment »
In an angry post-match conference last night, Brazilian coach Dunga raged at what he saw as cynical attempts by Korea PDR manager Kim Jong-Hun to steal his secret chilli recipe.
Dunga accused Jong-Hun of instructing his players to repeatedly ask Brazil’s stars about the famed chilli and hinted that he believed the stove in the Brazil dressing room had been bugged by a special camera that can photograph and analyse food ingredients.
He stormed: “This recipe has been handed down from Dunga to Dunga for generations. It is our recipe and no-one, I repeat NO-ONE, is allowed to know what’s cooking in my chilli pot”.
Speculation has flown around the Media Centre in Johannesburg regarding what might be in the chilli. Some believe it to contain parsley AND coriander, whilst others detect a distinct cinnamon taste.
“It has the players in a spin”, said Brazilain maestro Kaka. “There was a fist fight early today over whether Dunga had added piquancy by squeezing fresh lime juice over the concoction”.
Whatever the ingredients, it is thought the team will close ranks around their mercurial manager to ensure no one else can benefit from the mysterious but magical Dunga chilli.
