Ron Atkinson – ‘candles, the bumps, and a sloppy kiss off his Auntie Rita’
Posted: February 19, 2013 Filed under: Sports Offensive, Uncategorized | Tags: quotes, ron atkinson Leave a comment »
In 2004, I made up some ‘classic Ron Atkinson quotes’ for a spoof football news site called Sports Offensive. Don’t look for it; it’s not there any more… but here are the quotes…
“The ball’s gone over the top, the defence have stepped up but there’s no flag. After that it’s a one-on-one biscuit race between Owen and the keeper.”
“When you’re taking a free kick, the wall’s a bit like a porn film. You’re better off ignoring it or else you’ll just get distracted.”
“You’ve got to blame the defence there. The left-back came home early for his tea and got jam in his eye.”
“You can’t legislate for skill like that. He’s done a right Pan’s People on John O’Shea there.”
“Seven hours Palace fans have waited for a goal, and when they get one they’ll probably spell it wrong.”
“He’s gone up and given the centre-half a short back and sides there. Look at the replay, there’s dead hair all over the six yard box.”
“Blanc’s been caught by the quick ball over the top there. He was expecting The Troggs and they’ve gone and hit him with a right Frank Zappa.”
“Villa’s midfield’s like a handful of premium bonds. They’re there but you’re not quite sure why.”
“Zola’s split the defence with a birthday ball there. Candles, the bumps, and a sloppy kiss off his Auntie Rita. The lot.”
My Daily Mirror stuff…
Posted: August 16, 2012 Filed under: Uncategorized 1 Comment »So, anyway, I’ve written a few pieces for the Daily Mirror’s website lately (mainly TV reviews), and hopefully there’s a lot more to follow. Why not go and have a look? You’ve literally got nothing to lose.
After their Beastie Boys tribute, I now hate Coldplay even more…
Posted: May 5, 2012 Filed under: Stuff | Tags: adam yauch, beastie boys, coldplay, cover version, diabolical, fight for your right, mca, nathaniel hornblower, tribute 12 Comments »Yesterday, a great man passed away. Beastie Boy Adam Yauch, aka MCA, aka Nathaniel Hornblower died at the criminally young age of 47. The outpouring of grief around the world can be measured by looking at social media – at one point in the US yesterday evening, nine of the top ten trending topics were Beastie-related.
As I tried to get a handle on the shocking, sorrowful news, I remembered my own period of hardcore Beastie Boys fandom – hearing Slow & Low on an EP that was given away with Record Mirror in 1985 and having my 13-year-old mind BLOWN; avidly buying up everything they released over the next year or so; being disappointed when they broke into the mainstream with Fight For Your Right (it wasn’t hip hop – I didn’t like it). Yes, I liked them before you did – I’ve always been hipper than you.
But this morning, my sadness has turned to blind rage after seeing and hearing the ‘tribute’ to Yauch from those unwelcome suppliers of lite-rock corporate shite, Coldplay (the Hamfatter that somehow made it) – a piano-led cover version of the aforementioned Fight For Your Right. Here, look… see… cringe…
In case you don’t have the stomach to play the video, what Chris Martin and his gang of humming building society cashiers have done is take a goofy, dumb-as-fuck, rock anthem and clinically removed everything about it that made it great, before infusing it with their trademark empty, soulless earnestness. Yes boys, you’re sad; we get it because we’re ALL sad – just don’t apply the standard Coldplay filter to what is the Beasties’ best-known song and instantly rip apart everything that it represents.
The only thing they could have done that would have been LESS appropriate than this fucking fiasco would have been to break into the morgue, find Yauch’s still-warm corpse, flicked his penis into some kind of vague erection and then wanked him off while Chris Martin played the harmonica and tapped his foot on the floor to keep time.
NOW look what they made me do….
Advert #1
Posted: May 1, 2012 Filed under: Stuff, Video | Tags: advert, top firm Leave a comment »So, I made an advert for a top firm…
Some cartoon strips….
Posted: March 1, 2012 Filed under: Stuff | Tags: cartoon strips, cobbler and the gobbler, engine angels, loaded, siamese twits Leave a comment »Here’s some cartoon strips that I wrote for Loaded a long time ago. A genius called Tim Major drew the pictures.
The definitive list of #madeupsexacts
Posted: January 19, 2012 Filed under: Stuff | Tags: made up sex acts 2 Comments »
About two years ago, I came up with a load of #madeupsexacts on Twitter. Here they all are again. See how many you can imagine before you need to spend some special time alone…..
Indoor Dentistry
Remastering Electronic’s second album
Taking the pig to market
Borrowing God’s socks
Cancelling a standing order
Draining the Zambezi
Contacting the ombudsman
Singing the browns
Conquering the Cayman Islands
Supporting the Brand New Heavies
Upgrading to HD
Upstairs parachuting
Giving away the image rights
Knocking the top seed out in the quarter-finals
Burping the keynote speech
Getting the bonus ball
Observing the 10pm curfew
Ignoring the lodger
Combing the beach for old coins
Ash Wednesday
Puking the blue Smartie
Australia
Exercising the witch
Hosting the Eurovision
Bombing the car boot sale
Special J
Chatting with Edwyn Collins
Crop rotation
Queuing up for Pearl Jam tickets
Intimidating the witness
DMing Pee Wee Herman
Sneaking in to the labour exchange
Peter Panning / Tinkerbelling
Liberating Illinois
Handing back the MBE
Paddling in the septic tank
Unlearning Yiddish
Council Hutchence
Fiddling while Rome bursts
Fanning Her Majesty
Ignoring the gymkhana
September 11th
Feeding Boss Hogg
Bottling Morrissey
Dot Cottoning
Loving the alien
Mining for spam
Driving Miss Daisy
Escalating the grievance
Drizzling the beatnik
Getting to know James Bolam
Decorating the panic room
Multi-Coloured Swap Shop
Being affected by one of the issues in tonight’s show
Drinking the bra dry
Cheese and cheese and cheese and cheese and cheese and cheese and biscuits
Spoiling the Durham Miners’ Gala
Who says machines don’t have empathy?
Posted: January 11, 2012 Filed under: Stuff | Tags: advice, car park, ticket machine 1 Comment »Got the January blues? Take heed of the advice handed out by this car park ticket machine in Durham…
Who needs Sherlock when you could have this…
Posted: January 8, 2012 Filed under: Stuff, Video | Tags: japan, sherlock, starfish hitler Leave a comment »Typical – bemused by the success of Sherlock, you try to come up with a winning alternative idea for BBC1’s Sunday evening line up. Having duly thought of one, you then do a quick Google search only to realise that it’s been done before.
Now I must go and mournfully throw away my hastily-written one page treatment for ‘Starfish Hitler’…
My new eBook – Factual Healing – only 99p
Posted: January 8, 2012 Filed under: Factual Healing | Tags: ebook, factual healing, order 1 Comment »
Factual Healing is my new eBook – a collection of some of the most incredible facts about a wide range of subjects, from hospitals to prisons to babies to booze. You can read an excerpt from it here.
Please note that factuality of facts contained within the book cannot be verified. Do not attempt to use any of them in a life or death situation.
But the good news is that you can have it nestling in your phone or e-reading device in just a few seconds time for only 99p (or for £1.02 in the Kindle Store – not sure why it costs more there to be honest)
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To buy it in .mobi format (for Kindle), click this button.
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To buy it in .epub format (iBooks and other e-readers), click this button.
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To buy it in a slightly crappy-looking PDF format, click this button
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What Michael Jackson will look like in the year 2000
Posted: January 7, 2012 Filed under: Stuff | Tags: 1985, 2000, ebony, michael jackson 8 Comments »Or at least according to Ebony magazine in 1985. Brace yourselves, because it’s eerily accurate…
[via @harikunzru]
