“The ball’s gone over the top, the defence have stepped up but there’s no flag. After that it’s a one-on-one biscuit race between Owen and the keeper.”
“When you’re taking a free kick, the wall’s a bit like a porn film. You’re better off ignoring it or else you’ll just get distracted.”
“You’ve got to blame the defence there. The left-back came home early for his tea and got jam in his eye.”
“You can’t legislate for skill like that. He’s done a right Pan’s People on John O’Shea there.”
“Seven hours Palace fans have waited for a goal, and when they get one they’ll probably spell it wrong.”
“He’s gone up and given the centre-half a short back and sides there. Look at the replay, there’s dead hair all over the six yard box.”
“Blanc’s been caught by the quick ball over the top there. He was expecting The Troggs and they’ve gone and hit him with a right Frank Zappa.”
“Villa’s midfield’s like a handful of premium bonds. They’re there but you’re not quite sure why.”
“Zola’s split the defence with a birthday ball there. Candles, the bumps, and a sloppy kiss off his Auntie Rita. The lot.”
“Basically, I couldn’t get any”, complains the leather-faced guitar legend. “I was an apprentice at Brentford, the Bees, and we’d train during the day, clean a few boots then I’d head on down to Chiswick at night to catch some blues. I was a great defender. Liked to get stuck in. Caught a ref round the head with a skull ring when I was thirteen”.
Richards says the lack of good quality hash made him throw in the towel. “In the Sixties, apprentices were on three bob a week. I’d save it up to buy some decent puff. But no-one at the club was selling the good Moroccan slabs. Bert the groundsman used to slip me a few leapers and I know for a fact the Chairman was dealing horse, but could I get some decent marijuana? It was very disappointing”.
Though building a decent reputation for its access to heroin, it was Brentford’s neighbours Queens Park Rangers that offered the best cannabis in London. “The weed at that gaff was the very, very best”, cackles Richards.
Striker in crisis Wayne Rooney has begged for drugs to improve his mental powers. Rooney’s representatives have issued a statement in which the out-of-touch England forward asks for doctors to help him ‘get more brain’.
The statement reads:
“We are today sending out a plea to medical professionals across the world to come forward and help our client increase his brain power. Mr. Rooney has recently watched the 1980s movie Gremlins 2. In it, Mr. Rooney says ‘I saw one of them gremlins drink some stuff and then he, like, got brains. Can I gets some brains like what he has done got?’
We have spoken to the producers of Gremlins 2 who have said that, sadly, the movie was fictional and such a potion does not exist. That is why we are asking doctors around the world to please let us know if they have any magic brain juice for Wayne. He has a lot of money and will spend it on your magic brain juice if you come forward with some”.
IKER CASILLAS – Believes starfish are some kind of sea pastry made from fishy flour.
SERGIO RAMOS – Formerly Spain’s Hairiest Man, Ramos is sponsored by Veet.
GERARD PIQUE – Relaxes by busking with an accordion and pet marmoset outside Seville railway station.
CARLES PUYOL (pictured) – Recently launched a business to create synthetic synthetics.
JOAN CAPDEVILA – Spain’s first solar-powered player, has panel implants in skull.
SERGIO BUSQUETS – Midfield general also plays fuzz bass in Spanish metal outfit Bullsphincter.
PEDRO RODRIGUEZ – Favourite shingle : 6mm Pea.
XAVI HERNANDEZ – Is thought to have made hot, Latino love to 17% of European women.
XABI ALONSO – Lives in the world’s smallest windmill.
ANDRES INIESTA – Weight 29.18 Tonnes, Length 19.92 Metres, Width 2.82 Metres.
DAVID VILLA – Mercurial hitman goes by the graff tag “Kettle”.
FERNANDO TORRES – Favourite Homebase paint colour: Driftwood.
CESC FABREGAS – has tattoo of chorizo sausage on left shoulder.
JESUS NAVAS – Not actually a real person, Navas is world’s first animated 3D player.
Sir Alex Ferguson is set to launch a bid for out-of-favour Real Madrid forward Chiddy Bang but the Manchester United boss must first secure funds by selling his collection of living cheeses.
Cardiff midfielder Joe Ledley (pictured right, looking disgusted) is reportedly suing a local fairground after discovering human ejaculate in a sealed coconut.
Galatasaray’s Turkish winger Arda Turan has fallen into a wormhole in space. His agent says, “When he reappears, either tomorrow or several millennia into the future, he will sign for Liverpool”.
Arsenal has taken the extreme measure of sealing their playing staff in clingfilm. “We have been experiencing problems with the fallout from the ash cloud” says manager Arsene Wenger. “The squad is covered sticky layer of dust. Clingfilm will keep everything clean”
England keeper David James is reportedly in talks to join Fairport Convention but new Portsmouth boss Robert Wyatt is confident of persuading James to stay at Fratton Park by offering free harmonium lessons and asking Henry Cow to reform.
Stories are circulating that cleaners found a home made device that is thought to have been some kind of pipe for smoking cannabis.
An FA spokesman said: “There is no substance to the stories that a pipe, which some people have described as a vuvubongzela, was discovered in a player’s locker.”
“Neither is it true that an order went out for eleven deep dish Meat Feast pizzas at half time”.
The FA refuted all allegations that the national side may have played under the influence of illegal drugs, saying: “Even if they had each smoked an eighth of skunk they couldn’t have played as badly as they did against Germany.”
The largest number of cards shown in the World Cup so far is seven, by Paraguayan referee CARLOS SANTANA. Carlos also performed a sizzling guitar solo to calm down a confrontation between the managers of USA and South Korea.
England failure JOHN TERRY has told fans to visit his Oxshott home where they can each claim “one item of furniture or electrical goods or a quick snog” in compensation.
If Brazil reaches the final, mercurial midfielder KAKA hopes the team will adopt his live vampire bat as a mascot. “He is now very large. His wingspan reaches three metres and he feeds on the blood of goats. His name is Cocoabean”.
WAYNE ROONEY has yet to be told that England have been knocked out of the World Cup. Says STUART PEARCE, “He is a very emotional boy and we are worried the shock might upset him”.
Pundit DAVID PLEAT has called for the introduction of goal-line technology “which will be monitored from a central observation dome hidden in a secret complex at the bottom of the Mediterranean sea, controlled by me and henchman”.
Visitors to the England team camp and hotel have been issued with official notice that captain John Terry is now in heat and must be approached with due care and attention.
Assistant coach Stuart Pearce handed out the notices and warned journalists: “No-one is safe. Once John goes in heat we all need to be on red alert. We have tried to confine him to his room with a selection of adult videos but he is begging to be let out”.
It is rumoured that Terry has been disturbing other residents at the team’s luxury hotel by howling like a baboon and rubbing himself up against pieces of furniture.
“We believe a Louix XII reproduction armchair caught fire due to excessive Terry frottage”, reports hotel manager Kurt Vanspall. “We managed to put out the fire, and Mr Terry’s ardour, with a large bucket of water”.
It is thought Terry will be in heat for at least seven days and the RAF has agreed to fly in rations of bromide, which will be placed in Terry’s Lucozade Sport.
“Our science department in Munich has reported a malfunction in the self-pumping chamber of the Jabulani ball”, admits R&D Head Gerhardt Manschel.
“In addition to the aeroswerve irrationality chamber, the self-pumping mechanism is key to the unique and technically advanced components of the World Cup ball.”
He added: “Unfortunately, we have been monitoring the ball and discovered fluctuations in rotor speed functionality”.
Adidas hope to deflect the wave of criticism by issuing remote controls so that referees can manually adjust the internal rate of rotation during games.