A pair of cunts with their juice
Posted: June 21, 2011 Filed under: Uncategorized | Tags: cameron, clegg, cunts, juice Leave a comment »It pops up on Twitter from time to time, but now it has a permanent home here. We give you… a pair of cunts with their juice.
Who wants to buy one of these?
Posted: February 26, 2011 Filed under: Uncategorized Leave a comment »I’m thinking about getting a bunch of them done. I’m pretty sure they’ll catch on…
My autobiography: ‘That London’
Posted: January 13, 2011 Filed under: Uncategorized | Tags: that london 3 Comments »(as suggested by @Harry_Flowers)
My first visit to London was in the middle of the summer of 1995. I travelled down from the North East by train, opting for a seat in the cheaper ‘non-blinking’ carriage. Making a four-hour journey while doing nothing but staring into the middle distance was a tall order, but seeing my fellow, weaker passengers being roughly removed from their seats and hurled out of the window of the still-moving train was enough of an incentive for me to resist the urge to move my eyelids.
I was ready for the inevitable culture shock upon my arrival in the capital, having prepared by watching Sunderland Council’s informative set of fifteen ‘Are You REALLY Sure You Want To Visit That London?’ videos.
Thankfully, everything was as I expected when I alighted at Kings Cross and as was traditional, I was met and gret by a newsreader. On that occasion it was Nicholas Witchell – I can still feel the tenderness of his kiss to this day.
Smiling and reeking slightly of vinegar, Witchell issued me with a pamphlet containing a guide to London’s curtain laws, the opening hours of the city’s domino houses and for some reason that I have never been able to fathom, a charcoal drawing of a singing penis (circumcised.)
In truth, Witchell’s information pack wasn’t needed – this was a day trip and I was in London for a specific purpose, namely to have a new voice-box inserted into my horse.
Stupidly, I had overdosed the beast on the tranquilisers that I hoped would keep him sedated during the journey and rather than ride him proudly through the city’s streets, I was forced to drag him along behind me. A kind policeman slapped a ‘not actually dead’ sticker on to Chopper’s rump, which helped me sidestep some awkward questions as I slowly meandered my way to Harley Street.
The voice-box transplant was completed successfully as I napped in the waiting room and Chopper went on to regain his place in the choir less than a year later. Since then, I have visited London over 400 times, almost always while wearing some kind of disguise.
Every single sojourn to our fair capital has been a joy, whether it be to work as a steward at the European Reggae Conference at Earl’s Court or just to hang around outside Buckingham Palace in the vain hope that the Queen might throw some of her eggs out of the window.
So if you’re ever passing the Palace and you see a man standing facing the building, his head pointed to the sky and his mouth wide open, please say hello won’t you?
Rooney: No more robbing copper
Posted: October 26, 2010 Filed under: Sports Offensive, Uncategorized | Tags: metals, thieving, wayne rooney Leave a comment »
Following the signing of his new multi-million pound contract with Manchester United, Wayne Rooney has declared: “It’s great – me and my dad can stop nicking metals now”.
One of the reasons for reaching a new financial deal was that manager Sir Alex Ferguson had discovered most of Rooney’s injuries were caused by him jumping off a church roof. “Wayne was thieving lead flashing and twisted his ankle jumping down when the vicar woke up”, revealed the United gaffer. “He also picked up a couple of knocks when some unsecured copper piping rolled off the back of his dad’s cart and hit Wayne on the knee”.
“These are happy times indeed”, says Fergsuon. “Not just for Wayne and his family but for the many residents in the Manchester area who have lost valuable pipework”.
Keith Richards – 'Football wasn't for me'
Posted: October 26, 2010 Filed under: Sports Offensive, Uncategorized | Tags: brentford, drugs, keith richards Leave a comment »
In a surprising revelation in his new autobiography ‘Life’, Rolling Stones guitarist Keith Richards has revealed he gave up a promising career in football “because of drugs”.
“Basically, I couldn’t get any”, complains the leather-faced guitar legend. “I was an apprentice at Brentford, the Bees, and we’d train during the day, clean a few boots then I’d head on down to Chiswick at night to catch some blues. I was a great defender. Liked to get stuck in. Caught a ref round the head with a skull ring when I was thirteen”.
Richards says the lack of good quality hash made him throw in the towel. “In the Sixties, apprentices were on three bob a week. I’d save it up to buy some decent puff. But no-one at the club was selling the good Moroccan slabs. Bert the groundsman used to slip me a few leapers and I know for a fact the Chairman was dealing horse, but could I get some decent marijuana? It was very disappointing”.
Though building a decent reputation for its access to heroin, it was Brentford’s neighbours Queens Park Rangers that offered the best cannabis in London. “The weed at that gaff was the very, very best”, cackles Richards.
Rooney pleads for brain jab
Posted: October 26, 2010 Filed under: Sports Offensive, Uncategorized | Tags: brains, gremlins 2, wayne rooney Leave a comment »
Striker in crisis Wayne Rooney has begged for drugs to improve his mental powers. Rooney’s representatives have issued a statement in which the out-of-touch England forward asks for doctors to help him ‘get more brain’.
The statement reads:
“We are today sending out a plea to medical professionals across the world to come forward and help our client increase his brain power. Mr. Rooney has recently watched the 1980s movie Gremlins 2. In it, Mr. Rooney says ‘I saw one of them gremlins drink some stuff and then he, like, got brains. Can I gets some brains like what he has done got?’
We have spoken to the producers of Gremlins 2 who have said that, sadly, the movie was fictional and such a potion does not exist. That is why we are asking doctors around the world to please let us know if they have any magic brain juice for Wayne. He has a lot of money and will spend it on your magic brain juice if you come forward with some”.
Spain – the secrets behind the men that won it
Posted: July 12, 2010 Filed under: Sports Offensive, Uncategorized | Tags: spain, world cup Leave a comment »
Spain have triumphed in the 2010 tournament and here’s some exclusive facts about the players…
IKER CASILLAS – Believes starfish are some kind of sea pastry made from fishy flour.
SERGIO RAMOS – Formerly Spain’s Hairiest Man, Ramos is sponsored by Veet.
GERARD PIQUE – Relaxes by busking with an accordion and pet marmoset outside Seville railway station.
CARLES PUYOL (pictured) – Recently launched a business to create synthetic synthetics.
JOAN CAPDEVILA – Spain’s first solar-powered player, has panel implants in skull.
SERGIO BUSQUETS – Midfield general also plays fuzz bass in Spanish metal outfit Bullsphincter.
PEDRO RODRIGUEZ – Favourite shingle : 6mm Pea.
XAVI HERNANDEZ – Is thought to have made hot, Latino love to 17% of European women.
XABI ALONSO – Lives in the world’s smallest windmill.
ANDRES INIESTA – Weight 29.18 Tonnes, Length 19.92 Metres, Width 2.82 Metres.
DAVID VILLA – Mercurial hitman goes by the graff tag “Kettle”.
FERNANDO TORRES – Favourite Homebase paint colour: Driftwood.
CESC FABREGAS – has tattoo of chorizo sausage on left shoulder.
JESUS NAVAS – Not actually a real person, Navas is world’s first animated 3D player.
Shorts Offensive – news round-up
Posted: July 7, 2010 Filed under: Sports Offensive, Uncategorized Leave a comment »
Real Madrid boss Jose Mourinho this morning revealed he is hiding a giant minge in his recently-built clocktower.
Sir Alex Ferguson is set to launch a bid for out-of-favour Real Madrid forward Chiddy Bang but the Manchester United boss must first secure funds by selling his collection of living cheeses.
Winger Hameur Bouazza has added two extra letter ‘Z’s to his surname and will share in the additional profits from shirt printing. Hameur Bzouzazza hopes to make an extra four pounds this season.
Cardiff midfielder Joe Ledley (pictured right, looking disgusted) is reportedly suing a local fairground after discovering human ejaculate in a sealed coconut.
Galatasaray’s Turkish winger Arda Turan has fallen into a wormhole in space. His agent says, “When he reappears, either tomorrow or several millennia into the future, he will sign for Liverpool”.
Arsenal has taken the extreme measure of sealing their playing staff in clingfilm. “We have been experiencing problems with the fallout from the ash cloud” says manager Arsene Wenger. “The squad is covered sticky layer of dust. Clingfilm will keep everything clean”
England keeper David James is reportedly in talks to join Fairport Convention but new Portsmouth boss Robert Wyatt is confident of persuading James to stay at Fratton Park by offering free harmonium lessons and asking Henry Cow to reform.
FA deny 'vuvubongzela' left behind in England dressing room
Posted: June 29, 2010 Filed under: Sports Offensive, Uncategorized | Tags: drugs, england, pizza, vuvubongzela, world cup Leave a comment »
Following the failure of England in the World Cup, FA bosses have rushed to deny reports of drug paraphenalia left in the dressing room after the ignominious defeat to Germany.
Stories are circulating that cleaners found a home made device that is thought to have been some kind of pipe for smoking cannabis.
An FA spokesman said: “There is no substance to the stories that a pipe, which some people have described as a vuvubongzela, was discovered in a player’s locker.”
“Neither is it true that an order went out for eleven deep dish Meat Feast pizzas at half time”.
The FA refuted all allegations that the national side may have played under the influence of illegal drugs, saying: “Even if they had each smoked an eighth of skunk they couldn’t have played as badly as they did against Germany.”
Shorts Offensive – World Cup chunks
Posted: June 29, 2010 Filed under: Sports Offensive, Uncategorized Leave a comment »
Following his amazing second goal against Mexico, CARLOS TEVEZ has been canonised and will become Argentina’s Patron Saint of Raw Meat.
The largest number of cards shown in the World Cup so far is seven, by Paraguayan referee CARLOS SANTANA. Carlos also performed a sizzling guitar solo to calm down a confrontation between the managers of USA and South Korea.
England failure JOHN TERRY has told fans to visit his Oxshott home where they can each claim “one item of furniture or electrical goods or a quick snog” in compensation.
If Brazil reaches the final, mercurial midfielder KAKA hopes the team will adopt his live vampire bat as a mascot. “He is now very large. His wingspan reaches three metres and he feeds on the blood of goats. His name is Cocoabean”.
WAYNE ROONEY has yet to be told that England have been knocked out of the World Cup. Says STUART PEARCE, “He is a very emotional boy and we are worried the shock might upset him”.
Pundit DAVID PLEAT has called for the introduction of goal-line technology “which will be monitored from a central observation dome hidden in a secret complex at the bottom of the Mediterranean sea, controlled by me and henchman”.
