As I tried to get a handle on the shocking, sorrowful news, I remembered my own period of hardcore Beastie Boys fandom – hearing Slow & Low on an EP that was given away with Record Mirror in 1985 and having my 13-year-old mind BLOWN; avidly buying up everything they released over the next year or so; being disappointed when they broke into the mainstream with Fight For Your Right (it wasn’t hip hop – I didn’t like it). Yes, I liked them before you did – I’ve always been hipper than you.

But this morning, my sadness has turned to blind rage after seeing and hearing the ‘tribute’ to Yauch from those unwelcome suppliers of lite-rock corporate shite, Coldplay (the Hamfatter that somehow made it) – a piano-led cover version of the aforementioned Fight For Your Right. Here, look… see… cringe…

In case you don’t have the stomach to play the video, what Chris Martin and his gang of humming building society cashiers have done is take a goofy, dumb-as-fuck, rock anthem and clinically removed everything about it that made it great, before infusing it with some kind of horrid, empty, soulless earnestness. Yes boys, you’re sad; we get it because we’re ALL sad – just don’t apply the standard Coldplay filter to what is the Beasties’ best-known song and instantly rip apart everything that it represents.

The only thing they could have done that would have been LESS appropriate than this fucking fiasco would have been to break into the morgue, find Yauch’s still-warm corpse, flicked his penis into some kind of vague erection and then wanked him off while Chris Martin played the harmonica and tapped his foot on the floor to keep time.

NOW look what they made me do….

Indoor Dentistry

Remastering Electronic’s second album

Taking the pig to market

Borrowing God’s socks

Cancelling a standing order

Draining the Zambezi

Contacting the ombudsman

Singing the browns

Conquering the Cayman Islands

Supporting the Brand New Heavies

Upgrading to HD

Upstairs parachuting

Giving away the image rights

Knocking the top seed out in the quarter-finals

Burping the keynote speech

Getting the bonus ball

Observing the 10pm curfew

Ignoring the lodger

Combing the beach for old coins

Ash Wednesday

Puking the blue Smartie

Australia

Exercising the witch

Hosting the Eurovision

Bombing the car boot sale

Special J

Chatting with Edwyn Collins

Crop rotation

Queuing up for Pearl Jam tickets

Intimidating the witness

DMing Pee Wee Herman

Sneaking in to the labour exchange

Peter Panning / Tinkerbelling

Liberating Illinois

Handing back the MBE

Paddling in the septic tank

Unlearning Yiddish

Council Hutchence

Fiddling while Rome bursts

Fanning Her Majesty

Ignoring the gymkhana

September 11th

Feeding Boss Hogg

Bottling Morrissey

Dot Cottoning

Loving the alien

Mining for spam

Driving Miss Daisy

Escalating the grievance

Drizzling the beatnik

Getting to know James Bolam

Decorating the panic room

Multi-Coloured Swap Shop

Being affected by one of the issues in tonight’s show

Drinking the bra dry

Cheese and cheese and cheese and cheese and cheese and cheese and biscuits

Spoiling the Durham Miners’ Gala

Now I must go and mournfully throw away my hastily-written one page treatment for ‘Starfish Hitler’…

Please note that factuality of facts contained within the book cannot be verified. Do not attempt to use any of them in a life or death situation.

But the good news is that you can have it nestling in your phone or e-reading device in just a few seconds time for only 99p (or for £1.02 in the Kindle Store – not sure why it costs more there to be honest)

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To buy it in .mobi format (for Kindle), click this button.

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[via @harikunzru]

(By the way, I didn’t write any of this, although I wish I had)

CROATIA: The Croatian national anthem includes the line “Burn down the disco, hang the blessed DJ”, which was stolen by The Smiths for their 1986 hit single, Panic.

RUSSIA: Russian midfielder Igor Semshov has the world’s largest collection of grey pubic hairs, which have been posted to him by ageing Dynamo Moscow supporters following a plea in the club’s matchday programme.

DENMARK: The entire Danish nation is hoping to repeat their success of Euro 92 by refusing to acknowledge that they are even in the tournament until a month before it begins.

FRANCE: The French squad are planning to eschew the traditional recording of a pre-tournament pop single. Instead, Nicolas Sarkozy has commissioned them to engrave the names of their mothers on to a solid gold banana, which the French President plans to keep for himself.

POLAND: Due to a loophole in UEFA law, Poland believe that, as they are hosts, they can field as many ‘players’ as they can fit on to the pitch. Secret plans are afoot for them to flood the pitch with hundreds of men, women and children during every match in a desperate bid to win the tournament.

ITALY: Due to a complicated administrative error, Italian midfielder Thiago Motta recently celebrated his 108th birthday.

PORTUGAL: The Portugal squad are planning to bond ahead of Euro 2012 by touring the country with their self-produced musical adaptation of ‘The Life Aquatic with Steve Zissou’.

GREECE: Owing to the ongoing economic meltdown in their country, the Greek squad have been told that if they progress beyond the group stages of Euro 2012, they can have ‘all the minerals’.

SWEDEN: Veteran Swedish midfielder Anders Svensson says that his longevity at football’s top level is down to the four hours a day he spends leaning against his washing machine. ‘Full spin,’ he says, ‘full fucking spin’.

UKRAINE: The tournament co-hosts are keen to take part with no discernible home advantage over the other teams. Before every match, sports hypnotists will convince their players that they are in fact competing in an impromptu kickabout in a San Francisco park in 1968.

NETHERLANDS: Dutch commentator Gregor Van Der Straaten says that whenever he isn’t commentating on the action during a match, he’ll be repeatedly mumbling “Euro Euro Euro Euro Euro” into his microphone, in the same style as a Kabaddi player.

GERMANY: Coach Joachim Löw eats 500 jelly crocodiles every day.

CZECH REPUBLIC: The Czech government have promised that if the team make it to the final, every child in the country will be given a free ping pong ball filled with heroin.

SPAIN: Spanish midfielder Sergio Busquets is awaiting a decision from UEFA confirming that he will be allowed to play while wearing any of his seven removable noses during the tournament.