Those celeb autobiographies – which one should you ask Santa for?

You’re probably stumped about which one to buy from of the plethora of enchanting celebrity autobiographies that are available ahead of Christmas. Fret no more dear reader, because I have read them ALL for you*. Here’s my handy guide…

LEE EVANS –THE LIFE OF LEE (£20.00)
The rubber-boned joker concentrates on the gruelling life he endured before finally making the big time, revealing for the first time some of the grotty jobs that sustained him before he became a household name. Anyone who isn’t moved to tears by Lee’s description of his three months spent as a novelty penis salesman in Jakarta doesn’t deserve to have any eyes.

OPENING LINE: “No one sees the man behind the clown mask; no one sees him sitting in a bush in the car park of his local Asda at 4am because he still can’t get over that garbled punchline he delivered in Hull in 1992.”

JAMES CORDEN – MAY I HAVE YOUR ATTENTION PLEASE? (£18.99)
Heavy stuff from the roly-poly funnyman, belying his public image as a loud, detestable buffon. Four of this 654-page book’s five chapters focus on the occult, as Corden reveals his belief that he is only a few years away from being able to transform his own urine into liquid gold.

OPENING LINE: “It was my 15th birthday, when I tranquilised my pet dog Wilfie just so that I could eat the tin of Pedigree Chum that was rightfully his, that I knew something needed to change on Planet Corden.”

ALAN SUGAR – THE WAY I SEE IT: RANTS, REVELATIONS AND RULES FOR LIFE (£20.00)
He started out with a few quid and a van at the age of 16 and he’s now one of Britain’s best-loved millionaires. But he’s retained his hard edge, as displayed in this book. For example, one of Lord Sugar’s ‘rules’ focuses on male employees who don’t tuck in their shirts – he says of them: “My sole reason for entering the House Of Lords is to pass legislation that will make this despicable practice punishable by death. Death caused by the forced feeding of said shirt, its breast pocket filled with the hottest chillies known to mankind.”

OPENING LINE: “People look at me and think I live the life of Riley but there’s nothing I enjoy more than shaving my mother-in-law’s back on a Sunday afternoon”

SUE JOHNSTON – THINGS I COULDN’T TELL MY MOTHER (£18.99)
The much-loved actress has a lifetime of tales to tell from her showbiz and personal life, and this book is a weapons-grade page-turner. You’ll be as astonished as I was to learn that Waking The Dead ended after Trevor Eve took legal action against Sue, claiming that he had won one of her kidneys in a drunken card game at a post-filming wrap party.

OPENING LINE: “Fate is a funny thing. If I’d replied to a certain advert that I saw in the Liverpool Echo in 1967, I’d almost certainly by now be one of the most celebrated Formula One drivers of all time.”

BRENDAN SHEERIN – MY LIFE: A COACH TRIP ADVENTURE (14.99)
Finally caving in to immense public demand, the tour guide from TV’s Coach Trip has put pen to paper and laid himself bare. He glosses over his early life as the President of the UK Golliwog Preservation Society, choosing to share anecdotes about the show that has made him famous. Worth reading if only to learn which contestant was ejected from the coach while it was still moving after exposing himself to a group of blind nuns through the rear window.

OPENING LINE: “Some people find it hard to believe that I was allergic to buses until the age of 32 – until I show them the photo I always carry with me, with my face so swollen that my eyes look like raisins and my cheeks like raw steaks.”

*I didn’t read any of them. Do I look like some kind of twat?