FA deny 'vuvubongzela' left behind in England dressing room
Posted: June 29, 2010 Filed under: Sports Offensive, Uncategorized | Tags: drugs, england, pizza, vuvubongzela, world cup Leave a comment »
Following the failure of England in the World Cup, FA bosses have rushed to deny reports of drug paraphenalia left in the dressing room after the ignominious defeat to Germany.
Stories are circulating that cleaners found a home made device that is thought to have been some kind of pipe for smoking cannabis.
An FA spokesman said: “There is no substance to the stories that a pipe, which some people have described as a vuvubongzela, was discovered in a player’s locker.”
“Neither is it true that an order went out for eleven deep dish Meat Feast pizzas at half time”.
The FA refuted all allegations that the national side may have played under the influence of illegal drugs, saying: “Even if they had each smoked an eighth of skunk they couldn’t have played as badly as they did against Germany.”
John Terry: now officially 'in heat'
Posted: June 17, 2010 Filed under: Sports Offensive, Uncategorized | Tags: england, heat, john terry 1 Comment »
Terry: fucking gagging for it
Visitors to the England team camp and hotel have been issued with official notice that captain John Terry is now in heat and must be approached with due care and attention.
Assistant coach Stuart Pearce handed out the notices and warned journalists: “No-one is safe. Once John goes in heat we all need to be on red alert. We have tried to confine him to his room with a selection of adult videos but he is begging to be let out”.
It is rumoured that Terry has been disturbing other residents at the team’s luxury hotel by howling like a baboon and rubbing himself up against pieces of furniture.
“We believe a Louix XII reproduction armchair caught fire due to excessive Terry frottage”, reports hotel manager Kurt Vanspall. “We managed to put out the fire, and Mr Terry’s ardour, with a large bucket of water”.
It is thought Terry will be in heat for at least seven days and the RAF has agreed to fly in rations of bromide, which will be placed in Terry’s Lucozade Sport.
Cross-dressing Capello: 'Fab is short for Fabulous'
Posted: June 11, 2010 Filed under: Sports Offensive, Uncategorized | Tags: chanteuse, england, fabio capello, transvestite Leave a comment »
In a bizarre press conference held yesterday, Fabio Capello revealed he has been leading a secret double life as a transvestite chanteuse.
Before a shocked gathering of journalists, Capello introduced himself in full costume as “Carmen La Capella – A Different Kind Of Fella.”
Parading in bright red velvet gown, ripped fishnet tights and knee-length boots, Capello described himself as: “…a simple man who likes to take his mind off the pressures of football by throwing on a dress and singing Victorian music hall songs in the guise of a sexy woman”.
Capello said that he planned to entertain his squad after each game with a rousing selection of ditties he has composed. “I have always had a passion to dress as a woman”, stated Capello. “Also, I have a terrific upper register. My voice is like that of a nightingale”.
Capello then launched into a short selection of songs, accompanied on accordion by his assistant, Franco Baldini. Some of the melodies performed for the press included ‘Cesc, Cesc, Show Us Your Vest’, ‘Silva Slipped On The Soap In The Shower’ and ‘Let’s Get Messi On Me Mattress’.
England stars tying the knot for team unity
Posted: June 9, 2010 Filed under: Sports Offensive, Uncategorized | Tags: emile heskey, england, joe cole, marriage, world cup Leave a comment »
How Heskey the bride might have looked
England’s players are dealing with the absence of their WAGs at this World Cup by enjoying a series of mock weddings to each other as they attempt to pass the evening hours in preparation for the start of the World Cup.
Although Fabio Capello has imposed a strict ban on the presence of players’ wives and girlfriends in the camp, he has sanctioned their request to stage elaborate marriage ceremonies as an integral part of team bonding.
The first ceremony took place on Monday evening when Joe Cole took Emile Heskey to be his lawful wedded World Cup wife, and 24 hours later, Jermain Defoe and Steven Gerrard became betrothed as delighted, and in some cases teary-eyed, team mates looked on.
Players’ names are being drawn out of a hat if they cannot mutually agree on a marriage partner and only Ashley Cole has opted out so far, prompting Capello to urge him to “forget about that painted whore forever!”
