Heat’s On For Crewe

Global warming is continuing to hit hard at Crewe, where most of the Gresty Road pitch has suffered from erosion.

The pitch began to disintegrate up one side at the start of the season coinciding with a seven-degree increase in the town’s temperature, thought to be brought about by the purchase of a dozen enormous heat lamps by a local eccentric billionaire.

“It’s true,” said Crewe head coach Steve Holland. “I’m only looking for left-footed players for next season”.