What The Papers Talk…

Portsmouth’s Chinese international midfielder Chow Yun Fat has urged the club to sign a troop of masked ninjas with swords on ropes if they share his ambition for promotion. (Daily Telegraph)

Bootsy Collins’ future at Everton may be in doubt after his agent claimed he would be in the French National side team if he was with a club prepared to let him splank his fonky thang, baby bubba. (Daily Mirror)

West Ham’s Lucas Neil wants the club to blood its youngsters in a trial by fire as the injury crisis deepens. Seven teenagers will be smeared with the warm blood of a recently slain stag and made to run naked across Exmoor, chanting “Amadeus, Amadeus, Rock Me Amadeus” (The Times).

The relationship between Montrose co-owners Iggy Pop and Paddy McAloon (right) has completely broken down following a series of disagreements over sweets. The club’s Link’s Park Stadium will be divided with the help of a special laser and moved to two separate locations in time for the start of next season. (Morning Star)

Newcastle boss Kevin Keegan will learn how much he has to spend next season when he pilots a diving belle to fifty fathoms and retrieves a submerged casket containing a parchment on which the amount has been written in code by owner Mike Ashley. (Express)

Birmingham have been told to dance extremely fast if they want on-loan Sunshine Band frontman KC on a permanent basis. (Daily Star)

Blackburn chairman John Williams has insisted the club are not about to sell their fishing pegs. (Independent)