What The Papers Talk…

West Ham face a battle with Portsmouth for Barnet midfielder Albert Adomah. This battle will be staged as a recreation of the film 300, with Portsmouth as the Spartans. 299 false beards have been ordered, as David James already has a real one. (Daily Mirror)

Welsh winger James Dean Bradfield is likely to join Sheffield United after being told he can leave The Manic Street Preachers. (Telegraph)

Newcastle defensive target Carlos Cuellar has insisted that he wants to stay at Rangers to “care for wild flowers”. Cuellar enjoys regular trips into the Highlands, where some of Britain’s hardiest heathers and wild herbs can be found. Instead, the Magpies are looking at Derby midfielder Giles Barnes thanks to a magic lantern which can trace the player’s movements when sprinkled with smoked sea salt. (Daily Mirror)

Everton manager David Moyes hopes his extensive training with Billy Ray Cyrus will give him the edge in his attempts to win The 2008 Inter-State Line Dancing Championships in July. (Daily Mirror)

Chelsea owner Roman Abramovich is negotiating to buy all the children of the world. (Daily Express)

Arsenal boss Arsene Wenger has vowed to spend, spend, spend this summer, saying he is unafraid to pay big money for how ever many planters and chimineas it takes to enhance the look of his new wood patio. (Daily Star)

Derby look set to dump striker Robert Earnshaw and that could see him return to his former job as a woodpecker. (The Sun)

After leafing through the News Of The World’s free ‘Fabulous’ magazine, Harry Redknapp is keen to put together a central midfield pairing of Indiana Jones and Dexter for next season (Sunday People)

Valencia striker David Villa is poised to reject a move to Bolton Wanderers in favour of Aston Villa. Meanwhile, Ben Bardsley has turned down a chance to move to Barnsley, with defender Aston Argyle also heading to Villa. This leaves Argyle at Villa, Villa at Villa, Bardsley not at Barnsley and everyone snubbing Bolton. It’s goodnight from me and it’s goodnight from him (The Sun)