Probe Offensive: Why Grant Must Be Axed By Abram

There is no time to waste. Action must be taken now. Someone has to face facts and realise that the rot at the heart of Chelsea has gone on too long. How can Blues fans tolerate the ignomy of a crushing 1-1 reverse to Wigan? Someone must die if Chelsea do not win the Premiership.

Sports Offensive
examines in depth Avram Grant’s undeniable inferiority to his predecessor Jose ‘The Special One’ Mourinho and why we believe Grant must be blindfolded and made to face the firing squad, should Chelsea lose to Everton…

JOSE MOURINHO

Won 70% of games in Premiership

AVRAM GRANT

Won 67.9% of games in Premiership: a shocking 2.1% collapse.

———————————-

JOSE MOURINHO

First Manager in Premier League history to become a champion in his first season.

AVRAM GRANT

Looks like Gollum’s dad.

———————————-

JOSE MOURINHO

Mystical ability to make men believe in him and follow him into battle.

AVRAM GRANT

Mystical ability to look like Gollum’s dad.

———————————-

JOSE MOURINHO

On winning, could perform flamenco dance on referee’s back while throwing medals, flowers and money into the crowd. Would wink at all the beautiful ladies and ruffle the hair of smiling children who had never had to face the cruelty of seeing their team draw or lose.

AVRAM GRANT

On winning, looks weirdly like Darth Vader with the helmet off, shuffling about in an all-in-one body warmer.