Here Comes The Summer!

What will your favourite soccer stars be doing once the season has ended? SPORTS OFFENSIVE reveals all…

MICHAEL OWEN (right): Hiring out a local nightclub and recreating scenes from Bridget Jones Diary. Owen will take on the role of the thirty something singleton while Newcastle winger DAMIEN DUFF displays his versatility by playing all the male roles.

PAUL SCHOLES and MICHAEL CARRICK: Will be joining forces to burn down the homes of local sex offenders.

DAVID JAMES: Intends to spend the entire summer camping naked in the New Forest and hooting like an owl.

JAMIE CARRAGHER: Has plans to tie Liverpool’s youth team to stakes and then drive a transit van at them.

FLORENT MALOUDA: Hopes to perfect his recipe for his distinctive cinnamon and banana nut loafers, the first edible shoes.