Soccer Psychic: ‘Bleak Future For City’

Just as Manchester City fans thought they had some stability in their lives, it looks as though they’re about to be plunged into turmoil again.

Leading sports psychic Gordon Le Mesmerer has looked into his crystal ball and exclusively reveals what will happen next…

2008: Dr Shinawatra replaces Sven with Indiana Jones, saying “I’ve seen his films and he’s just the kind of all-action go-getting figure we need to lead us forwards. Plus, like me, he’s a doctor, although no one’s quite sure what he’s a doctor of – like me. And, he’s got a big bullwhip, which is very important.” Jones is eventually fired for turning up to work unshaven.

2009: After sacking Indiana Jones, the City owner turns to another hero – Glaswegian terrorist-basher John Smeaton. Shinawatra says, “I like John’s no-nonsense methods. I expect him to treat the rest of the Premier League managers like a gang of al-Qaeda monsters and kick them right in the testicles.” Smeaton is fired after two weeks, for refusing to work in a superhero costume and cape and for being unable to fly or punch his way through a brick wall.

2010: Frustrated by the lack of progress on the pitch, Shinawatra removes Man City from the Premier League and launches a breakaway Zombie league, playing against teams made up of the undead. It proves to be a true breakaway league as limbs are repeatedly detached from the zombies’ bodies during matches, giving City a massive advantage. They win the Zombie League by 56 points and Shinawatra announces plans to take the team into outer space to play against the best of the known alien football world.

2011: The Man City squad head off into space in an old rocket-powered school bus which Shinawatra has bought off eBay. Following a training session on the moon, they head off to Mars to seek out alien life and then play a friendly against whatever they can find. But Shinawatra takes a wrong turn and City disappear somewhere near Uranus, never to be seen again.