Sports Non-Personality Of The Year 2008

Once again, the nominations have been announced for the prize of sport’s biggest nobody of 2008…

DAVE BIGGINS (pictured): Five-time World Sub-Ice Skating champion, who retained his title in Minsk last month. The sport, which is carried out under the ice and with the use of special anti-gravity skates, has over twelve participants worldwide and is viewed by no-one.

LIZ FAIRBRUSH: In Spin Sailing, participants can cover hundreds of miles by rotating furiously in an area of water no larger than an average duck pond. Liz is our finest exponent of the game and has a part-time job in the café at her local leisure centre.

RODDY SLATER: Slater is without doubt the daddy of Tartan Tunnelling, a sport which although popular in the Outer Hebrides, would be treated with contempt elsewhere if it wasn’t so universally ignored. As many as five tunnellers begin burrowing their way through tons of raw tartan at first light, and the last one alive takes the title.

ZARA PHILLIPS: Um, horses or something.