In keeping with tradition, both captains will be presented with a guinea pig by Michel Platini before the kick off.
During their coverage of the final, Sky use over eleven miles of cable, enough to strangle every Tyrannosaurus Rex that ever lived three times, until it was really dead.
Alvin And The Chipmunks were lined up to sing the pre-match national anthem until immigration problems scuppered the plan. Their last-minute replacements will be Radiohead
All turnstile attendants will be armed with ‘The Shit List’, the line-up of people who are banned from Champions League matches. These include Peter Sutcliffe, Courtney Love, Keith Harris (but not Orville) and the Scottish bloke who broke the Wembley crossbar in 1977.
In countries where football is banned, TV viewers will just see footage of the crowd and will have to try and guess what is happening from close-ups of their faces.
If the temperature rises above 25 degrees Celsius, the roof on the top of Avram Grant’s head will retract, allowing the air to get to his brain.
Massive amounts of fast food will be sold in and around the Luzhniki Stadium. The tally includes a mile of hot dogs, 700 months of cola, tomato sauce as wide as the moon and six live swans.
If Chelsea win tonight, they will receive a replica trophy – the real one will be in a helicopter in Minsk, although no-one knows why.
At the match, Roman Abramovich will be reunited with his old colleagues from the Russian version of ‘Puppetry of The Penis’, where he originally made his name. Ambramovich specialised in using his flaccid member and pubic hair to create impressions of the heroes of the Russian revolution, including Karl Marx and Stalin.