Terry Tears Heal Sick

Chelsea Football Club today revealed one positive outcome from John Terry’s emotional outburst after the European Cup defeat to Manchester United: his tears have healing powers.

“It is amazing,” said Chelsea manager Avram Grant. “As John cried onto my shoulder, I noticed my constant back pain began to fade away.” Realising that the England hard man’s tears may hold miraculous powers, Grant encouraged Terry to continue crying as he fetched an empty Lucozade bottle to collect them up.

“I asked John to keep crying. I kept reminding him how comical his slip and penalty miss was and how it meant he had won no trophies this year and that it was all his fault. I also told him he had a very poor haircut and was loathed by many people around the country.” The resulting hysterics from the distraught centre half resulted in several millimetres of precious tears gathering in the bottle.

When asked what Grant intended to do with the healing tears, the under-fire Chelsea manager revealed that his first task was to “Try and do something about Carvalho’s bald spot, annoint Drogba to stop him falling over and acting like a petulant woman and see if we cure Ashley Cole of his undeniable cuntishness.”