WayneSpot Special

With a wedding on the way and a heap of free time on his hands, our spies have been keeping tabs on England and Man United star Wayne Rooney…

Thursday
United goal machine Rooney and friend Bazza attend Paul McCartney Liverpool City of Culture concert. Rooney pretends to be asleep as an usher explains that he has taken the seats of a disabled couple and that he should actually be in seats CC34 and CC35 not C34 and C35.

Friday
Wayne seen in Southport Internet Café booking easyjet tickets to Ibiza for stag party. Having booked tickets in good time, Wayne spends rest of one hour/£2.00 booking surfing porn sites.

Saturday
Wayne buys straw cowboy hat, Quiksilver flip flops, Boxfresh T shirt and FCUK shorts from TK Maxx in Wigan. Rooney then hides shopping under a bush while he practices standing on his head and singing the theme from ‘Homes Under the Hammer’.

Sunday
Rooney involved in minor fracas at Bootle Toby Carvery when the tough guy striker attempts to fashion a face mask out of Yorkshire puddings.

Monday
Rooney spotted at Liverpool Docks Vue multiplex for 3.15 showing of Indiana Jones and The Crystal Skull. Manager reports Rooney very well behaved, though he was heard whispering the words “crystal cock more like” several times.