What The Papers Talk

Gunners boss Arsene Wenger is watching Bolton’s Muddy Waters and Hot Chip’s Alexis Taylor. (Daily Mail)

A deal to bring Morrissey to AC Milan is “70-80%” likely according to his agent, Squiddly Diddly. (Various)

However, the former Smiths songsmith will stay at Loftus Road if QPR treble his wages to £12. (The Star)

Tottenham will offer Portishead a £15m player-plus-drum machine offer for “the miserable bird what sings.” (Daily Mirror)

Wigan are planning an £8m swoop for Everton winger Roots Manuva (right), while Reading midfielder Q Tip is a £2.5m target for The Grove Woods Archery Club in Hove. (Various)

Harry Redknapp is preparing a £3m car boot sale to bring Reading left-back Nicky Shorey to Portsmouth. (Express)

Pompey have agreed to sign Strasbourg midfielder Debbie Harry. (Various)

Wigan are close to signing Paraguay striker Manu Chao, who is the current South American Timbales Player of the Year. (Various)

Stoke are set to complete reading ‘Harry Potter and The Half-Blood Prince’ to Tottenham defender Anthony Gardner. (The Sun)

Luton midfielder Paul Simenon could be on his way to Norwich for £400,000 as a replacement for Nina Simone because “their names are quite similar”. (Daily Mirror)