Scolari In Barmy Polari Malarkey

Following an administrative mix up, it has emerged that Luiz Felipe Scolari has not been studying English at all but has instead taken lessons in the mid-20th Century gay slang, Polari.

Evidence came to light during his first press conference in the UK when he announced to the eager journalists “Ooh hello, my name is Felipe and it’s bona to vader your eeks, isn’t it Peter?”

On Didier Drogba:
“We need to get him a new crimper, his riah is a right state, innit? But he’s a fantabulosa omi-palone with a butch bod.”

On Frank Lampard:
“Ooh, inee bold? A proper dolly dish but he’s an omi after the gelt and I know he’s been on the palare pipe to Inter and Barca and that’s proper cod.”

On Chelsea’s prospects for 2008-9:
“Ooh, it’s all bona, I can feel it in me luppers. I’m gonna put on me best drag and troll over to the training ground and do a right proper polari with all the chickens, omis, omi palones, dishes and little Joe Cole, check out their baskets and it’ll all be fabulosa. Thank you.”