Keegan – “Your Days Are Numbered, Fat Man”

Newcastle owner Mike Ashley has incurred the wrath of boss Kevin Keegan by demanding forward Alan Smith be sold to Everton. Keegan plans to kill Ashley with a giant laser.

Keegan, speaking to the citizens of Newcastle from a secret television studio buried deep beneath the city, interrupted last night’s viewing of Big Brother on Channel 4 to announce that a giant laser was now focussed on St. James’s Park.

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Bell Tolls For Barry

Liverpool’s owners have failed to sign Gareth Barry from Aston Villa after the bell rang three times as they tried to move a loop of metal along a length of twisted and winding wire.

“We thought it was the best way to resolve the issue”, revealed Villa manager Martin O’Neill. “We ran a length of wire from Anfield in Liverpool, down the A roads of the Midlands to Birmingham and Villa Park. The Liverpool board then had to manoeuvre a loop of metal along the wire without touching it.”

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