Keegan – “Your Days Are Numbered, Fat Man”

Newcastle owner Mike Ashley has incurred the wrath of boss Kevin Keegan by demanding forward Alan Smith be sold to Everton. Keegan plans to kill Ashley with a giant laser.

Keegan, speaking to the citizens of Newcastle from a secret television studio buried deep beneath the city, interrupted last night’s viewing of Big Brother on Channel 4 to announce that a giant laser was now focussed on St. James’s Park.

Keegan, sitting on a Charles Eames recliner with a small black and white badger on his lap announced that, unless Mike Ashley agreed to his plans, he would “unleash the power of this mighty diamond encrusted laser, destroying not just you, Mr. Mike Ashley but your car, your shoes and that little twat Dennis Wise.”