Sting Mounts Bid For Toon Rescue

Rock superstar and multi-millionaire Sting is riding to the rescue of beleaguered Newcastle United.

The yoga, lute and tantric sex practitioner apparently says the time is right for him to heal the wounds of the supporters of Newcastle.

Local fan and spokesman for online fanzine ‘Black & White 4 Eva’, Jack ‘Jakka’ Robson, claims to have spoken to Sting in a vision he experienced last night.

“Sting told me he was coming home to save the club, like,” Robson told reporters. “He was wearing a leather thong and floating in the air, pouting like.”

“Sting commanded me to build him a stage on the Town Moor and said that he’d be there Sat’day with his band, including Auf Wiedersehen Pet’s Tim Healy on harmonica and Dave Stewart off of The Eurythminks on guitar.”

Mr. Robson went on to explain that, “Sting’s going to get King Kev and Ashley together and rub them with a calming ointment made by natives in the Amazon basin. He reckons aromatherapy will heal the pain between them.”

Additionally, Sting also plans to hold an intense session of yogalates with the Newcastle board in a last gaps attempt to heal the rift between Mike Ashley and Keegan.

“That’s what Sting told us in me dream…that and that Dennis Wise is a short-arsed cunt.”