Championship Takes The Biscuit

Following on from Premier League attempts to turn time into biscuits, clubs in the Coca Cola Championship have launched their own rival bid.

“Those running the Premier League have know for some time that we have been planning to create a biscuit related calendar”, claims spokesperson Hannah Madeley. “This includes the realignment of international time zones along the Greenwich Tesco’s Rich Tea Finger Cream”.
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The Hammer’s Down!

The East End of London was brought to a standstill yesterday when Bjorgolfur Gudmundsson, owner of financially troubled West Ham, slashed prices on players.

Hammers fan Warren Jukes queued up all night in the hope of buying Lucas Neill, reduced in price from £1.2 million to £19.99. “I know Lucas is a bit shit but he might be good round the house and nineteen ninety nine is a fucking good price.”
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FA roll out new league format

blob_psychepink_lrgThe Premiership league table could soon take on a whole different shape if new FA proposals are passed. Plans have been announced to replace the traditional ‘league-ladder’ table with a large glutinous sphere, and match winners will be awarded weight instead of points.

FA spokesman David Davies told us, ‘The more wins a team clocks up, the more weight they’ll be awarded, and the best team will slowly sink into the centre of the sphere. Relegated teams will appear on the surface of the ball and will be shaved off at the end of the season.’

Davies also revealed that the awarding of the league championship will be signified with a huge golden eagle bursting out of the sphere on the final day of the season, carrying the badge of the winning side the length and breadth of Britain.

The new system has been created by a London-based consultancy firm, at a cost of four million pounds. The same firm were also recently behind the incorporation of pearly kings and queens into circuses, a move which has revitalised the dying cockney art-form.

What The Papers Talk – Toon & Spurs Special!

A babbling brook close to Kevin Keegan’s house has been heard to whisper the words ‘Kee-gan Come Home’, according to reports issuing from a shepherd in the North East. “Me and the sheep take this as a sign he is definitely on his way back to St. James’s Park, come by”, says 57-year-old farmer Cormac Buchanan. (The Sun)

Juande Ramos is on the verge of leaving Spurs to become a verger. Which is a vaguely irritating play on words, according to The Daily Mail. (The Independent)
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