What The Papers Talk – Toon & Spurs Special!

A babbling brook close to Kevin Keegan’s house has been heard to whisper the words ‘Kee-gan Come Home’, according to reports issuing from a shepherd in the North East. “Me and the sheep take this as a sign he is definitely on his way back to St. James’s Park, come by”, says 57-year-old farmer Cormac Buchanan. (The Sun)

Juande Ramos is on the verge of leaving Spurs to become a verger. Which is a vaguely irritating play on words, according to The Daily Mail. (The Independent)

Keegan has recently taken a refreshing break in California, where he spent many a happy hour miming to The Surfari’s ‘Wipe Out’ while wearing a hula skirt. (The Telegraph)

Spurs will be sold before the end of the week if Chairman Daniel Levy can agree a price with the manager of The Chicken Lickin’ in Hackney High Street. (The Guardian)

Everton manager David Moyes has demanded that the Everton board tell him why he is featured in this article, which is primarily about Tottenham Hotspurs and Newcastle. (Daily Mail)

Spurs defender Gareth Bale has been spotted in Birmingham, fuelling rumours that he has been shopping or may have been visiting relatives in Birmingham. (Daily Mirror)

Aston Villa are set to agree a new four-year deal with the estate of the late winger Scott La Rock (right) from Boogie Down Productions. (Daily Star)

Villa believe they will have to qualify for the Champions League by submerging their kit man, Barry Hastings, in a large tank of water with his hands tied behind his back. Manager Martin O’Neill says “If Barry can escape from the tank within two minutes, UEFA will give us a place in the next round”. (Daily Mirror)

Manchester City are ready to tie goalkeeper Fred Schneider and striker Roy Scheider to long-term deals, on the basis that they have similar names. “It’s just a shame Scheider is dead”, sighed City manager Mark Hughes. “Jaws was such a great film…2010 was a bit shit, though. Hang on, why am I in this article?” (Various)