The Hammer’s Down!

The East End of London was brought to a standstill yesterday when Bjorgolfur Gudmundsson, owner of financially troubled West Ham, slashed prices on players.

Hammers fan Warren Jukes queued up all night in the hope of buying Lucas Neill, reduced in price from £1.2 million to £19.99. “I know Lucas is a bit shit but he might be good round the house and nineteen ninety nine is a fucking good price.”

Unfortunately for Warren, he was beaten in the rush as locals fought for the best bargains. “In the end I got Craig Bellamy. He was £3.4 million knocked down to fifty pound. I dunno if he’s happy but he’s like mine now and I’m going to get him to do my pizza deliveries this weekend”.

Other top bargains included Hayden Mullins, who was sold to a local blind man for £24.99. “I’m going to get Hayden to stand next to my plasma and describe the pictures to me”, said the man.

However, there was some ill-feeling as an incident broke out between two local women over striker Carlton Cole. Janine Stepney and Sapphire Burns spat, scratched and brandished knives at each other as Cole sat in a shopping trolley with his head in his hands.

The pair had to be separated by West Ham vice-chairman Ausgeir Fridgeirsson, whose suit jacket was torn in the struggle.