EXCLUSIVE: Ronaldo Drugged & Kept On Leash

23-year old Cristiano Ronaldo is believed to be have been drugged and restrained with a noose during an extended period of enforced captivity in a suburb of Manchester.

Spanish contacts claim the player has been incarcerated as part of a ‘wicked’ plot by his Scottish step-grandad Sir Alex Ferguson, 83, and twisted loners Joel and Avram Glazer. Their long term plan was to hold the innocent young man against his will until a ransom of some £60 million was paid by worried relatives in Europe.

The evil conspirators deny they are holding Ronaldo illegally. Joel Glazer said, “He is very happy here and we have a note written in his own blood to prove it. He enjoys luxury accommodation – we have him locked in a cupboard at our training ground. We feed him a plentiful supply of Portuguese meals and Sagre beer. There’s also a sunlamp for the youngster to keep his skin healthy”.
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Ground Sharing Takes New Twist

Financially strapped Coca Cola League Two Clubs have come up with a revolutionary ground-sharing scheme. It involves two separate football games taking place at the same time on the same pitch.

“We came up with the concept when it became clear that so few League Two games were selling out”, revealed Football League Commercial Director Stewart Thomson. “Clubs need to get more fans through the turnstiles. They need to try and save administrative and housekeeping costs. Even things like floodlighting can be a real headache when the electricity bill lands on the Chairman’s doormat”.

In brief, the new scheme will involve four teams kicking off on the same ground at the same time. “In effect, there’ll be one referee, two assistant referees and 44 players. Fans from four different clubs will pack into the stands, creating a terrific atmosphere with good-natured rivalry. It’s going to be really exciting to watch, with four teams fighting over two balls”.
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Premier League New Boys In A Spin

Newly-promoted sides Hull, West Brom and Stoke City faced a race against time to get their grounds up to scratch ahead of the Premier League season, it has been revealed.

All three promoted teams were ordered to rotate their stadia by 359 degrees and fit a huge turntable in order to satisfy ‘ground calibration’ targets in August. The other 17 teams in the league completed the calibration prior to the 2007-2008 season, but the Tigers, Baggies and Potters had, understandably, not carried out the work.
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Chess: 'world’s most sexist sport'

The world of chess is on the back foot today following a damning report from the World Sport Federation that claims it is a breeding ground for sexism.

A whole host of recent flashpoints at major events has put chess firmly in the spotlight and the WSF is demanding that it gets its house in order.

Last month’s crunch match between Vishy Anand and Vladimir Kramnik fell into disrepute when rowdy fans produced a blow-up doll with the face of Yootha Joyce stuck on it (right) and hurled it at the board.

Similarly, there has been criticism of former UK champion Geoff Hedges (left) who recently said, “Sure, there should be more women in chess. Especially if they’ve got big massive tits on them.”

World chess supremo Jacques Pensile has promised a change in attitudes and has announced the distribution of some anti-sexism leaflets by 2011.

What The Papers Talk

Harry Redknapp has said he is considering a last- minute change of clothing for dinner. “I was planning to wear the grey track pants and a comfy cardigan, but I may pop out for a pint after so could well stick with my jeans, loafers and Gant jacket” said the hangdog Spurs boss. (The Sun)

David Beckham will join AC Milan after England manager Fabio Capello told the Italian club the 33-year-old was very handy at dealing with dripping taps. “Beckham understand the importance of finding the internal stop cock on a property and closing off the water before any attempts at small plumbing jobs. David is a patient young man and keeps with him a varied stock of rubber washers.” (Various)
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