What The Papers Talk

Harry Redknapp has said he is considering a last- minute change of clothing for dinner. “I was planning to wear the grey track pants and a comfy cardigan, but I may pop out for a pint after so could well stick with my jeans, loafers and Gant jacket” said the hangdog Spurs boss. (The Sun)

David Beckham will join AC Milan after England manager Fabio Capello told the Italian club the 33-year-old was very handy at dealing with dripping taps. “Beckham understand the importance of finding the internal stop cock on a property and closing off the water before any attempts at small plumbing jobs. David is a patient young man and keeps with him a varied stock of rubber washers.” (Various)

Manchester City and Tottenham are both chasing CSKA Moscow’s £12m-rated striker Vagner Love. Manchester City are dressed as stereotypical cartoon bank robbers with black berets, striped jumpers and Hessian bags with ‘swag’ written on the back. Tottenham have dressed for the chase as 1920’s policemen. (Parade)

Wigan manager Steve Bruce has admitted he made a mistake in not signing Egyptian striker Dr. Frank-N-Furter (right) on a permanent deal. The player was recommended to Bruce by Janet Weiss, who he met at a private party for alien transsexuals. (Daily Mirror)

Real Madrid are reported to be interested in asking Zaki, who has scored seven goals in eight Premier League appearances for Wigan, to DJ at a forthcoming Christmas party . “Zaki will bring the noise” revealed Madrid chairman Ramon Calderon. (Daily Mail)

Following on from news that Manchester United are hoping to sign Lyon’s French Under-21 International Valentine Harcourt, reports in France say: “Il y avait en Westphalie, dans le château de monsieur le baron de Thunder-ten-tronckh, un jeune garçon à qui la nature avait donné les moeurs les plus douces. Sa physionomie annonçait son âme. Il avait le jugement assez droit, avec l’esprit le plus simple ; c’est, je crois, pour cette raison qu’on le nommait Candide”  (Daily Telegraph)