EXCLUSIVE: Ronaldo Drugged & Kept On Leash

23-year old Cristiano Ronaldo is believed to be have been drugged and restrained with a noose during an extended period of enforced captivity in a suburb of Manchester.

Spanish contacts claim the player has been incarcerated as part of a ‘wicked’ plot by his Scottish step-grandad Sir Alex Ferguson, 83, and twisted loners Joel and Avram Glazer. Their long term plan was to hold the innocent young man against his will until a ransom of some £60 million was paid by worried relatives in Europe.

The evil conspirators deny they are holding Ronaldo illegally. Joel Glazer said, “He is very happy here and we have a note written in his own blood to prove it. He enjoys luxury accommodation – we have him locked in a cupboard at our training ground. We feed him a plentiful supply of Portuguese meals and Sagre beer. There’s also a sunlamp for the youngster to keep his skin healthy”.

Above right: The last sighting of Ronaldo, after he was possibly hobbled.

Prosecutors claim this is all a shocking charade and part of a plan to eventually release Ronaldo from a cage in the Las Ramblas market in Barcelona. The evildoers would then trouser the £60 million reward offered by the local football club.

While the plotters continue to deny the story, Sports Offensive can reveal it has found a list of rules written by Sir Alex Ferguson and pinned to the door of Ronaldo’s cupboard. It reads:

•    Divvent  make any noise or dive in the box.
•    You must not go near the windas, d’ye ken?
•    You can play Super Mario and you can play some DVDs and some CDs but not those Spanish ones by The Gypsy Kings.
•    Do Not Feed The Rooney