Fans Applaud Sky Soccer Deal

Football fans across the nation – and many Sky subscribers – today united in organising a big street party ‘thank you’ to Sky Television after it announced its £1bn deal with the Premiership.

“I couldn’t live without the live football Sky provides”, said viewer Gary Crawford shortly before settling down to watch Stoke City versus Blackburn, adding, “At the moment I’m only paying about fifty quid a month…thank God for Sky”.

Following tense scenes at the Premier League’s headquarters it was announced that Sky had won four of the six packages on offer. “We are delighted”, said Sky Sports boss Vic Wakeling. “This means Andy Gray and the whole Sky Sports football team will be on your screens for many years to come”.

“Football is core to Sky’s broadcasting business”, proclaimed Sky bigwig Jeremy Darroch. “It’s either the football or Gladiators or Noel Edmonds to be honest. It was a pleasure to pay a billion pounds to keep us in business”.

“You have to hand it to Sky”, said ex-Sky employee Brian Jardine. “If it wasn’t for Sky paying all that money – some of which is probably the wage I would have earned if Sky hadn’t fired me – I doubt we could enjoy the thrills of Premiership football any more”.

‘It’s Not All About Names’ Roars Kinnear

Under fire Newcastle gaffer Joe Kinnear has sent a clear message to Charles N’Zogbia’s agent and the British press. “I’ve been accused of calling the lad the wrong name and all this and that, but the reason me and him aren’t speaking is because the boy can’t grasp the basics of what’s happened in the recession”.

Using a large board around which Kinnear had dotted pictures of economist Kenneth Rogoff, Karl Marx and Scarlett Johannsen, he proclaimed that “Charlie is confident the existing model of the free market will endure without extreme measures to regulate the activities of the key financial institutions. I say bollocks”.

Kinnear believes that, based on his ‘horrendous’ experience managing Newcastle in recent months he has come up with a clear model for the post-capitalist world. “The only way forward is to reclaim more key institutions and industries through privatisation. Governments must control those aspects of life that we consider essential”.

Kinnear claims he has set up a meeting with Gordon Brown in Downing Street. In reality, Kinnear has been given permission to set up his picture board near the gates of Downing Street and shout at Mr. Brown through the gates as he emerges from Number 10. “I shall be telling Mr. Brown to privatise the main utilities and, if he doesn’t listen to me, I shall throw a shoe at him”.