Temporary Portsmouth manager Paul Hart has revealed his cunning scheme to recycle unwanted players has come to a halt due to local regulations.
“You would think the council didn’t want us to save the planet”, complained the caretaker boss. “I’ve got about fifteen players here that would make fantastic compost but I can’t even set up the new bin without permission from some paper pushers at the town hall”.
It appears that Hart has received THREE free compost bins from the council, whereas each household is only entitled to one. “Mr. Hart used the address for the football club, the club’s training ground and the address of a local car spare shop in order to fraudulently obtain two more bins than he is rightfully entitled to”, said a council representative. “We cannot allow him to proceed with his plans to compost players until he returns two of the bins and makes separate arrangements to buy any additional bins he feels necessary to do the job”.
Hart disagrees: “You’d think after all this club has done for the local community – what with David Nugent’s breakdancing classes and David James posing for the life drawing classes down the girl’s school – they could spare a couple of extra bins, but no. It’s bureaucracy gone mad as usual”.
Hart now plans to take his unwanted players down to the local council dump. “They have several small skips down there for recycling all kinds of sportsmen but the football one is always full. Hopefully they won’t notice if I put a couple of footballers in the cricketer skip by accident”.
Tottenham have revealed the reasons for launching their surprise raid on Portsmouth.
Chairman Daniel Levy: “As people know, last Thursday night between the hours of 2300 and 0400 Greenwich Mean Time, a band of Tottenham Hotspur players under the guidance of manager Harry Redknapp (above left) invaded the Fratton Park ground, securing a section of the turf and proclaiming it for the newly created Country of Hotspur.
“We believe the land of Fratton Park to be rich in natural minerals. Our scientists have drilled there and discovered deposits of both oil and gold”. Mr. Levy believes the invasion of Portsmouth and taking possession of the oil deposits is the only way of securing his club’s financial future.
“We are struggling to maintain our foothold in the Premiership. Our resources are limited. By taking this land into our possession, I am sure we will be able to raise sufficient capital to buy a player at some point soon”.
While the owners of Fratton Park looked on, scratching their heads, Mr. Redknapp and his players erected a flag with the Tottenham emblem on it and then set about putting up a six man tent with awning. “We’re not moving until we’ve got all the oil – and possibly Peter Crouch”, laughed the genial Spurs boss.