Benitez reveals dancing jibe rift with Sir Alex

Rafael Benitez has revealed the growing rift between him and Sir Alex Ferguson is based on a comment made about Fergie’s country dancing skills.

“We were at the League Manager’s annual dinner dance”, says Benitez. “Sir Alex is always the centre of attention and many managers want to be his friend and get him clean napkins and this kind of thing”.

But Rafa is his own man and clearly over-stepped the mark once Sir Alex took to the floor for a traditional Scottish Country Dance with his partner, assistant manager Mike Phelan.

“Sir Alex, his footwork was not up to scratch”, tutted Benitez. “I am Spanish and even I can see that”. It is thought Benitez compared Sir Alex’s dancing to “watching a red-faced drunk old man in a kilt trying to cross an icy river on roller skates”.

The Liverpool boss was also scathing about Sir Alex’s attempts at a traditional Scottish Sabre Dance. “He kept kicking the swords all around the dance floor. It sounded like a tray of cutlery falling down stairs. At one point Sir Alex stepped on as sword and fell into the lap of Mr. David Moyes. You could see the shame on the face of his fellow Scots man”.

Sir Alex has not spoken to Rafael Benitez since.

Below (Ferguson at a recent fundraiser for cow cancer.)


Prem stars charged over Jade/Easter betting scam

Seven Premiership footballers are to face FA disciplinary action after it was revealed they have placed large bets on the possibility of Jade Goody being resurrected on Easter Sunday.

“We have seen large amounts of money placed on the possibility of Jade rising from the dead and being proclaimed the new Saviour”, claimed FA spokesman Geoff Hartswood. “We suspect the players may have some inside information and we will be talking to her grieving husband and representatives from The Sunday Mirror regarding this matter”.

Having only last week dedicated twelve pages of coverage to Jade Goody’s funeral, rumours suggest that Mirror Group newspapers may have plotted an elaborate resurrection scam with Ms. Goody’s agent in order to boost flagging sales.

It is further rumoured that news of the resurrection leaked to members of the West Ham football team via Jade’s husband Jack Tweed, a big Hammers fan.

“We categorically deny all these accusations”, said a spokesman for the Sunday Mirror. “But make sure you buy this Sunday’s edition of the paper which includes vouchers for a free Jade Goody character Easter egg from Superdrug”. The paper will also feature a pull out poster of Jade on a crucifix which readers “can put in their front window and use to pray for a job”.


What The Papers Talk

Tottenham manager Harry Redknapp has blasted Fabio Capello’s decision to call-up Ledley King to the England squad as he can barely train with the Spurs squad due to a persistent knocking sound. (The Star)

King himself has pleaded with Capello not to pick him and said he may retire from international football in order to discover the cause of the knocking sound. (Daily Telegraph)

Championship star Jason Scotland is in danger of being out of work this summer because of a squeaking noise that is hard to trace. Said a Swansea fan: “On an average Saturday, our games are constantly disrupted by a small, repetitive squeak coming from Jason. It’s very distracting”. A local mechanic has offered to take the player out for a run to see if he can work out where it’s coming from.  (Daily Mail)

Manchester United striker Wayne Rooney will not face any further investigation into the explosive backfiring noises which lead to his dismissal against Fulham on Saturday. The referee is satisfied that Rooney has since had his cylinders cleaned and that there should be no further trouble. (Various)


Ronaldo Pomade Tirade

Sir Alex Ferguson fears Cristiano Ronaldo could quit English football because of a shortage of traditional hair pomade. “Cristiano uses a refined hair product originally created in Victorian times. He has run out and is now a very angry young man”.

The George Trumper Bay Rum and Caribbean Lime Pomade is currently out of stock due to a blockade of Port Royal in Jamaica by the British Navy. The Trumper Company’s fleet of Pomade vessels is stranded in the harbour. Says Sir Alex, “Unless the Navy allow those ships to set sail for English waters, Ronaldo will definitely leave this club”.