Terry TV Takes Off

Chelsea and England legend John Terry has launched his new independent television production company with a raft of commissions, including ‘Me And My Cyst‘.

Laying foundations for a career beyond football, the Chelsea hard man has been in discussions with TV execs at Channel 4 and Channel Five about his ideas. “Footballers have a lot of spare time and I like to spend mine thinking of formats for television shows. I mentioned a couple to Ashley and Cheryl Cole and they thought they were genius”.

Kicking off with ‘Me And My Cyst‘, commissioned by Five, a facially disfigured teenager from South London will learn to make the most of his disability by getting lessons in ventriloquism. The teenager will then be given a spot on the Royal Variety Show where he introduces his cyst as a comedy character called Sidney.

Terry is also deep in discussions with Channel 4 to produce ‘Hannibal’s Alpine Piss Journey‘, in which Ashley and Cheryl Cole trace the steps of Hannibal’s elephant trek across the Alps using two elephants that have to carry an increasingly heavy cargo of celebrity urine. “The piss idea was Ashley’s”, revealed Terry.

Bellamy – My Pain

Manchester City manager Mark Hughes has revealed the reason why Craig Bellamy missed hooking up with his international team-mates: “a bad case of the Nobbies”

    Not only has Bellamy caused anger in the Weslh camp at his failure to appear in a recent friendly, but he could miss the Premier League kick-off due to his chronic Farmer Giles.Manager Mark Hughes sympathised: “For a benchwarmer, this is the worst possible state of affairs. Emma Freuds are a curse. We’re gutted for the boy.People often snigger when they hear someone has a terrible case of ceramics but I, myself, am plagued by swollen bum grapes and am constantly at the doctor’s for ointment.”

Bellamy is expected to fly out to Colorado to consult World famous specialist Dr Harrison Crowley about a possible long-term solution. Dr Crowley was recently credited with extending the playing career of Stephen Hunt, although he modestly claims ‘only partial success’ in relieving Hunt’s anal nightmare.

Golden Brown

Hull gaffer Phil Brown has revealed that, for the last five years, he has relied entirely on photosynthesis for survival.

The man who kept Hull in the Premiership claims that he has not eaten any food since 2002 and that he “feels great”.

“I get all the nutrients I require directly from UV rays. Instead of food, I sit in front of a sun lamp three times a day and have swapped my office at the training ground for a deckchair in a greenhouse”.

Ancelotti Here “Mainly For The Men”

Carlo Ancelotti was today unveiled as the fifth Chelsea manager in five years and announced “John Terry, he is going nowhere. Because he is just too gorgeous”.

In faltering English the Italian maestro said his main reason for joining the Ambramovich empire was “to be close to the antique shops on the King’s Road and also to watch closely the thrilling young men in the Chelsea first team”.

Ancelotti said, “I have an artist’s eye for both design classics and the pert rear ends of finely honed athletes”.