Notts County Director of Football Sven Goran Eriksson has a new love in his life.
The latest in a long line of beauties to have won his heart is an employee at Meadow Lane, Eve Fairclough. “Yes, it’s definitely love”, revealed the 63 year old pensioner. “Sven has offered to set me up in a love nest on the Mansfield bypass”.
Eve, twenty five stone and the club tea lady, claims to have indulged in daily sex romps with the former England manager. “Sven is very athletic for his age and he has made love to me in ways I had never imagined possible. We have done it in his office, in the kit room and over the physio’s table”.
Fairclough decided to come clean about her romps with Eriksson after the pair were caught in a passionate embrace by one of the Notts County players. “One day Lee Hughes burst in on us by mistake. Sven was very cool and said he was ‘demonstrating the art of zonal marking’. I think Hughes believed him”.
Eriksson is denying the affair. “Mrs. Fairclough, she makes a very good cup of tea. There is nothing more to say”.
Sol Campbell has revealed how his life has been changed by a chance meeting with Derek Acorah.
The celebrated TV medium, famous for his appearances on Most Haunted, has shown Campbell how to get in touch with his spirit guides. “It took as lot of concentration”, says Campbell. “But I can now hear the voices as clearly as I can hear you”.
The former England star believes he is being managed from beyond the grave by phantom funny man Frankie Howerd. “It’s very comforting”, says Campbell. “To know that there is something else after this life is over. Frankie says Heaven is a lot like Butlins – only the Redcoats all wear long nighties and eat a lot of cream cheese”.
Campbell believes Howerd’s supernatural career advice was the main reason for his departure from Notts County. “Frankie had been chatting with Mike and Bernie Winters and they all agreed that Notts County was a big mistake for a top player like me”.
If Everton boss David Moyes thought his team was finally settling down to winning ways after a poor start to the season, Marouane Fellaini’s fur-ball affliction has soon changed his mind.
With the team improving in the Premiership, the last thing the Everton gaffer needed was to see his tall Belgian striker coughing up large balls of hair.
Says Moyes: “We know it’s hair but we’re not sure how he’s getting it caught in his throat. Every time we settle into training set pieces, he hocks up another”. The fur-balls, about twelve inches in diameter, are proving a distraction to the team. Reluctantly, the striker has been put on the injury list.
Everton club doctor Ian Irving is working on a theory that Fellaini may be eating his own hair in his sleep. “I have talked to Marouane about the fur-ball problem. He tells me he often dreams about eating candy floss. We think the two events may be related”.
Manager Mick McCarthy is bemused. “We were visited by an official who said he represented the Wolverhampton and District Health Authority. He told me and the lads that he was offering free checks for men’s health problems. He had a white coat on and some rubber gloves and asked all of us to remove our shorts so that he could inspect our down belows”.
Midfielder Karl Henry picks up the story: “The doctor seemed to know what he was doing. He looked at our genitals and took some photos. He asked some of the lads if he could feel their testicles for any irregularities. Clearly, being a doctor, you don’t think twice and do what you’re told. He was very gentle and made a soft, cooing noise”.
“I have to say I am a bit concerned”, said McCarthy. “It’s not every day that you get a doctor coming down and asking to photo your privates. But he seemed the real deal. He was sweating a bit when he had George Elokobi’s plums in his hands…but it was quite a hot day”.
It now seems that the sweating man may possibly have been masquerading as a doctor. “Until we get the results of his report we’re a bit unsure what to think. It would be a bit embarrassing to find out this fellow was not a doctor. He’s got photos of the entire first team’s family jewels in his locker now. And George keeps asking me for the doctor’s phone number”.
Burnley Chairman Barry Kilby today called an emergency press conference to reveal the deepening financial crisis at Turf Moor.
“Yesterday we discovered that our current account was empty”, said an ashen-faced Kilby. “I logged on at nine thirty five as I needed to transfer seventeen pounds into the savings account as it earns an extra 1.5% interest. It was then that I realised there was something wrong”.
Kilby went on to reveal that he had received an email from what he thought was the Halifax Building Society on Sunday warning him that someone had been trying to access his acount illegally. “I was naturally worried, so I replied to the email and enteretd our account details and passwords as requested. I was a bit concerned that the address was in Thailand but so many banks operate from out there now I didn’t think twice”.
It would appear that Kilby had, in fact, given his bank password details to an unscrupulous third party and, late on Sunday night, the football club’s bank account was drained of it’s entire funds of seventy six pounds and fifteen pence.
“We really are up a creek without a paddle”, sighed Kilby. “I’ve written to the Halifax out in Thailand and can only hope for the best”.
It’s ferrets versus snakes all the way at the Reebok Stadium this coming Sunday as Bolton hold their annual October Animalympics.
Manager Gary Megson will launch the event by releasing his pet ferret “Hampden” into a cage containing five grass snakes. “My money’s on Hampden coming out on top. Those snakes won’t stand a chance”.
Other events include the Paddypower sponsored rabbit skinning time trial. Club chairman Phil Gartside takes on all-comers as he attempts to hold onto his crown. “No-one can gut and skin a rabbit faster than me, I have special tools”, laughed the Bolton supremo.
Many first team squad members will be on-hand to sign autographs and daub the blood of a freshly killed stag onto the foreheads of local youngsters. “Some people think we’re a bit old-fashioned, backwards even”, says midfielder Matthew Taylor. “But we’re only raising money for local charities and having a bit of fun with our animal friends”.
The event will climax at sunset as on-loan keeper Paul Robinson attempts to walk barefoot across a pit of field mice.