Owen ‘Less Active Than A Student’

A new study on perennial bench-warmer Michael Owen reveals he does less work  than a nineteen year old shelf stacker.

Professor James Kirkbride of Thames Valley University has, for the past fourty eight months, compared the work rate per hour of Michael Owen against that of an average second year student. “We looked at a broad range of student type to make sure we achieved a reliable average. We monitored students supplementing their studies with part-time work like a Saturday job in Asda. We also took into account students that spend most of their time on Facebook chatting, smoking weed and gaming. It seems Michael Owen does less work than any of them”.

Second year Media Studies student Josh McGuire was proud of the result. “It’s like I can’t really believe that I’m a more harder worker than what Michael Owen is. I do fuck all, man. Unless you count nailing the new Halo. I am all over that”. McGuir’s work rate placed him seventh over all.

Concludes Kirkbride: “Owen trailed in tenth place behind a female student who has not left her room for three months after splitting with her boyfriend on MSN and a young man who has failed to turn up for his studies for one year and who is believed to be dead in a flat somewhere”.