Premier League Confirms ‘Oral Sex Good Before Games’

A survey of twelve Premier League clubs has revealed football matches are more entertaining if players receive oral sex before kick-off.

The survey, part of a wide ranging and thorough review of top level football, asked the clubs involved to identify key factors affecting a team’s performance on match days. All but one of the current top twelve in the Premier League ticked the box marked ‘Oral Sex,’

Premier League Chief Executive Richard Scudamore says, “We’ve studied all the stats and it does appear blow jobs are a terrific way of prepping a player for a tough game. More goals are scored by players who have had a nosh before kick off and, in games where at least a third of one team’s squad have been blown within two hours of a game, the majority go on to win by two goals or more.”

Fulham gaffer Roy Hodgson has long praised benefits of pre match oral sex. The hangdog manager says, “In Europe there is a phrase – gobbles equal goals”.

Managers across all leagues are now studying the findings and assessing the benefits of both oral and full sex in enhancing match-win statistics. “It does seem that even a quick hand shandy can make a player add between 5 to 10 percent to his game”, says Hull manager Phil Brown.

“Oral sex seems to be the optimum performance enhancer,” says Brown but he does have a warning for those seeking to add full sex to the pre-match rituals of every player. “There’s a thought that full penetrative sex may take players over the tipping point and actually have a negative effect on their personal performance index. We are advising players not to go all the way until further data has been collected.”

Lower down the Leagues, FA representatives will be presenting the findings to clubs in hope of attracting volunteers willing to administer hand and oral relief to players before matches.

They are targeting catering and ground staff in the first instance, though also hope kit managers will step forward to take up the reins. League rep Graeme Harcourt is looking even further afield. “We think there may be a way of involving team mascots. The anonymity provided by a furry mask makes the administration of a blow job less embarrassing.”

The survey indicates that even fans are more relaxed and louder in their support for their team if they have received oral sex before a game. “We are launching a nationwide campaign to inform fans of the benefits of oral sex. It will be called ‘Get Sucked Off Before You Set Off.'”

The one club not to agree with the findings are Arsenal. Manager Arsene Wenger claims his new pre-match regime of bingo followed by a cake making competition inspired his young squad to their recent victory against Manchester United.