Redknapp: Mods Make The Difference

Tottenham manager Harry Redknapp has put his club’s revival down to an enthusiasm for the Mod Scene.

“When we’re talking about music, which is what we often do on the training pitch, I’ve always found players respond to a bit of cool Sixties sounds: Small Faces, a bit of Tamla…Booker T and the like”, says Redknapp. “And it’s not just the music but the whole look. Short hair, neat three button suits with 16 inch legs…the lads love it”.

Redknapp doesn’t have to prove his point, thanks to the energetic displays by his squad this season. However, some players are slightly concerned. Luka Modric is fighting against plans to trade in his top of the range Harley Davidson for a Vespa scooter with fifteen wing mirrors, while Benoit Assou-Ekotto is not convinced, saying: “For me I prefer the relaxed, loose fit clothing of the hip hop scene. FUBU or LRG. I am wearing the Fred Perry tops and the parka to please the gaffer but I feel a bit of an idiot”.

While reservations are few, others worry that Redknapp may be taking the Mod theme too far, as the boss admitted that: “All the players are on Blues, leapers and the like. They’re running around like greyhounds with chilli paste up their jacksies”. Redknapp also has some unusual tours planned for the summer. “I’m setting up a scooter ride down to the coast for a fight with those rockers who play for Brighton. Them greasy scum are gonna get a spanking and no mistake”.

Though there is uneasiness at this prospect, many feel the Spurs board may have to move on Redknapp if he fulfils his plan to sign Sting. “He was the Ace Face in Quadrophenia. Great dance moves, sharp suits and paid his fine in cash. Perfect for the Spurs, mate”.

Former Spurs manager Juande Ramos, a confirmed fan of Psychedelia and Garage Rock, declined to comment.

It’s Biscuit Time In The Prem

The Premier League has decided to introduce their own concept of time for the 2010-2011 season.

Instead of months, days, hours and minutes, the season will be measured in biscuits. “This is a natural development in our attempts to create a unique environment to develop fresh marketing opportunities for potential sponsors,” revealed Chief Executive Richard Scudamore.

“We feel fans will be comfortable with the idea that a goal will be scored in the seventeeth McVities Digestive of the first Burton’s Jammie Dodger. The transfer window will now happen in the Tunnock’s Wafer and players will enjoy a break from the game during the Nestle Blue Riband Nine Pack.”

Troubled Darlo face cyber-takeover

Ailing Darlington could become the first club to be owned by a rogue supercomputer if a mooted deal goes ahead later this month.

The computer in question is ARG-598X and used to belong to the Israeli national intelligence agency Mossad until it rebooted itself and broke free from their network back in 2006.

Since then the mainframe computer has enjoyed a playboy lifestyle, funded by money that it has siphoned from thousands of bank accounts around the world. As it is not human, the authorities have been unable to bring it to justice.

Talks are believed to be at an advanced stage with the current Darlington owners and ARG-598X has already drawn up a list of potential recruits, including Sol Campbell, Roberto Carlos and Metal Mickey.

It is not the supercomputer’s first foray into the world of football. Last year it bought a 17% stake in Cheltenham Town but caused dissent among fans and board members when it hacked into the club’s PA system and repeatedly played Fatboy Slim’s ‘Weapon Of Choice’ during a crucial league match against Bristol Rovers. ARG-598X and the Cheltenham hierarchy went their separate ways soon after.