Wednesday 30th June 2010

FA deny 'vuvubongzela' left behind in England dressing room

Following the failure of England in the World Cup, FA bosses have rushed to deny reports of drug paraphenalia left in the dressing room after the ignominious defeat to Germany.

Stories are circulating that cleaners found a home made device that is thought to have been some kind of pipe for smoking cannabis.

An FA spokesman said: “There is no substance to the stories that a pipe, which some people have described as a vuvubongzela, was discovered in a player’s locker.”

“Neither is it true that an order went out for eleven deep dish Meat Feast pizzas at half time”.

The FA refuted all allegations that the national side may have played under the influence of illegal drugs, saying: “Even if they had each smoked an eighth of skunk they couldn’t have played as badly as they did against Germany.”

Shorts Offensive – World Cup chunks

Following his amazing second goal against Mexico, CARLOS TEVEZ has been canonised and will become Argentina’s Patron Saint of Raw Meat.

The largest number of cards shown in the World Cup so far is seven, by Paraguayan referee CARLOS SANTANA. Carlos also performed a sizzling guitar solo to calm down a confrontation between the managers of USA and South Korea.

England failure JOHN TERRY has told fans to visit his Oxshott home where they can each claim “one item of furniture or electrical goods or a quick snog” in compensation.

If Brazil reaches the final, mercurial midfielder KAKA hopes the team will adopt his live vampire bat as a mascot. “He is now very large. His wingspan reaches three metres and he feeds on the blood of goats. His name is Cocoabean”.

WAYNE ROONEY has yet to be told that England have been knocked out of the World Cup. Says STUART PEARCE, “He is a very emotional boy and we are worried the shock might upset him”.

Pundit DAVID PLEAT has called for the introduction of goal-line technology “which will be monitored from a central observation dome hidden in a secret complex at the bottom of the Mediterranean sea, controlled by me and henchman”.

Tuesday 29th June 2010

Monday 28th June 2010

Sunday 27th June 2010

Saturday 26th June 2010