Coens Get World Cup Gig

Taking a leaf out of the FA’s plan to allow cult American director David Lynch to direct key British football events, the organisers of the World Cup have invited Oscar winners Joel and Ethan Coen (left) to film the climax of this year’s tournament.

“It is so”, revealed FIFA spokesman Uli Huterhaus. “The team behind the ‘No Country For Old Men’ and ‘Big Lebowski’ have agreed to direct the final.”

The normally taciturn brothers opened their door to Sports Offensive and revealed some of their ideas:

  • During national anthems a fedora hat will blow across pitch, climaxing with a machine gun attack on team dugouts.
  • Rug to be placed in centre circle to ‘really hold the stadium together.’
  • Red  cards to be dropped in favour of feeding offenders into a wood chipping machine or shot through head with compressed air bolt.
  • When two teams toss the coin, rather than which end to kick off from, the result will mean the life or death of manager.
  • Players to be issued with Dapper Dan pomade and encouraged to adopt unusual hairstyles fashioned for them by a chain-smoking barber who may well be an  alien life form.

“After winning a bunch of Oscars, we were a little stuck what to do next”, says Ethan Coen. “This feels right for us. Football is all about making decisions, choosing a path and there’s a lot of pain, disappointment and senseless violence committed by weird foreign guys. What’s not to like?”

WORLD CUP 2010: RAISING JO’BURG will be released by Paramount Vantage in November.