Sepp’s Better Future – New Rules Announced

Sepp Blatter has announced football’s new rule changes that will be tested next season with Scotland’s Highland League implementing the changes on a trial basis.

Blatter himself says he’ll attend every single game in the league. If successful, they will sweep the world in the 2009-10 season.

The key changes…

  • Every player to be issued with a whistle that they must blow if they spot an offence that the referee has missed.
  • Captains to carry out more day-to-day administrative duties and to have a desk in the corner of the pitch, replete with coffee machine and secretarial services.
  • Speed cameras to be installed on the halfway line. Although actual pitch-side traffic still minimal, it is increasing, and this represents ideal way to enhance safety and increase FIFA revenue.
  • Top hats to be reintroduced.
  • Goalkeepers handling outside the area forced to play remainder of game on a portable six yard box bed of nails.
  • Sending offs scrapped. Opposition get to add a player instead.
  • Ten points awarded to club who can deliver actress Carmen Electra (right) to Blatter’s Swiss lust-pad. Blatter states that “Miss Electra must be willing to stay for at least four hours and sign a ‘cuddle contract’.”