Salt-spew doll is Howard’s way now

Howard Kendall is on the brink of making a glorious return to football following years in the wilderness.

He explained, “Howard Kendall’s been battling a rare disease that made the skin on his head slowly peel off like the layers of an onion. It’s a horrific condition and can only be treated with vinegar and brown paper.”

The former Everton boss is glad to be back, although he has no immediate plans to return to football, saying, “Howard Kendall’s invented a children’s doll which he calls Salty Don (above right). When you squeeze Don’s hands he spits hot salt out of his eyes. That’s where Howard Kendall is at these days.”

Salty Don is not commercially available at present.