Shorts Offensive – News From Lesser Sports

GOLF: Lance Mannion has had his PGA tour card revoked after he claimed that his religious beliefs barred him from pitching and putting. Mannion caused outrage on the first day of the US Masters when he picked his ball up and carried it 120 yards before dropping it in the hole.

RACING: Jenny Pitman has been forced to close her home for retired jockeys when no members of the public came forward to offer homes to the useless has-been boy-men. Twenty-nine ex-jockeys have been put to sleep as a result.

SKIING: World no.1 downhill skier Franz Yanker has revealed his incredible times are achieved by imagining he is being pursued by a giant ghost that wants to bum him (pictured).

BADMINTON: Spectators carrying acoustic guitars into UKBA tournaments are to have them confiscated under a new ruling due to take effect in June 2004. Unamplified electric guitars will still be allowed.

ATHLETICS: Yuri Kelnakov’s missing shot putt has still not been found, eleven days after he threw it during an Oslo meet. The latest theory from IAAA officials is that a bull eagle may have caught it in mid-air and is currently trying to hatch it somewhere.