Shorts Offensive – news round-up

Real Madrid boss Jose Mourinho this morning revealed he is hiding a giant minge in his recently-built clocktower.

Sir Alex Ferguson is set to launch a bid for out-of-favour Real Madrid forward Chiddy Bang but the Manchester United boss must first secure funds by selling his collection of living cheeses.

Winger Hameur Bouazza has added two extra letter ‘Z’s to his surname and will share in the additional profits from shirt printing. Hameur Bzouzazza hopes to make an extra four pounds this season.

Cardiff midfielder Joe Ledley (pictured right, looking disgusted) is reportedly suing a local fairground after discovering human ejaculate in a sealed coconut.

Galatasaray’s Turkish winger Arda Turan has fallen into a wormhole in space. His agent says, “When he reappears, either tomorrow or several millennia into the future, he will sign for Liverpool”.

Arsenal has taken the extreme measure of sealing their playing staff in clingfilm. “We have been experiencing problems with the fallout from the ash cloud” says manager Arsene Wenger. “The squad is covered sticky layer of dust. Clingfilm will keep everything clean”

England keeper David James is reportedly in talks to join Fairport Convention but new Portsmouth boss Robert Wyatt is confident of persuading James to stay at Fratton Park by offering free harmonium lessons and asking Henry Cow to reform.


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