Rooney: No more robbing copper

Following the signing of his new multi-million pound contract with Manchester United, Wayne Rooney has declared: “It’s great – me and my dad can stop nicking metals now”.

One of the reasons for reaching a new financial deal was that manager Sir Alex Ferguson had discovered most of Rooney’s injuries were caused by him jumping off a church roof. “Wayne was thieving lead flashing and twisted his ankle jumping down when the vicar woke up”, revealed the United gaffer. “He also picked up a couple of knocks when some unsecured copper piping rolled off the back of his dad’s cart and hit Wayne on the knee”.

“These are happy times indeed”, says Fergsuon. “Not just for Wayne and his family but for the many residents in the Manchester area who have lost valuable pipework”.

Keith Richards – 'Football wasn't for me'

In a surprising revelation in his new autobiography ‘Life’, Rolling Stones guitarist Keith Richards has revealed he gave up a promising career in football “because of drugs”.

“Basically, I couldn’t get any”, complains the leather-faced guitar legend. “I was an apprentice at Brentford, the Bees, and we’d train during the day, clean a few boots then I’d head on down to Chiswick at night to catch some blues. I was a great defender. Liked to get stuck in. Caught a ref round the head with a skull ring when I was thirteen”.

Richards says the lack of good quality hash made him throw in the towel. “In the Sixties, apprentices were on three bob a week. I’d save it up to buy some decent puff. But no-one at the club was selling the good Moroccan slabs. Bert the groundsman used to slip me a few leapers and I know for a fact the Chairman was dealing horse, but could I get some decent marijuana? It was very disappointing”.

Though building a decent reputation for its access to heroin, it was Brentford’s neighbours Queens Park Rangers that offered the best cannabis in London. “The weed at that gaff was the very, very best”, cackles Richards.

Rooney pleads for brain jab

Striker in crisis Wayne Rooney has begged for drugs to improve his mental powers. Rooney’s representatives have issued a statement in which the out-of-touch England forward asks for doctors to help him ‘get more brain’.

The statement reads:

“We are today sending out a plea to medical professionals across the world to come forward and help our client increase his brain power. Mr. Rooney has recently watched the 1980s movie Gremlins 2. In it, Mr. Rooney says ‘I saw one of them gremlins drink some stuff and then he, like, got brains. Can I gets some brains like what he has done got?’

We have spoken to the producers of Gremlins 2 who have said that, sadly, the movie was fictional and such a potion does not exist. That is why we are asking doctors around the world to please let us know if they have any magic brain juice for Wayne. He has a lot of money and will spend it on your magic brain juice if you come forward with some”.