Ron Atkinson – ‘candles, the bumps, and a sloppy kiss off his Auntie Rita’

In 2004, I made up some ‘classic Ron Atkinson quotes’ for a spoof football news site called Sports Offensive. Don’t look for it; it’s not there any more… but here are the quotes…

“The ball’s gone over the top, the defence have stepped up but there’s no flag. After that it’s a one-on-one biscuit race between Owen and the keeper.”

“When you’re taking a free kick, the wall’s a bit like a porn film. You’re better off ignoring it or else you’ll just get distracted.”

“You’ve got to blame the defence there. The left-back came home early for his tea and got jam in his eye.”

“You can’t legislate for skill like that. He’s done a right Pan’s People on John O’Shea there.”

“Seven hours Palace fans have waited for a goal, and when they get one they’ll probably spell it wrong.”

“He’s gone up and given the centre-half a short back and sides there. Look at the replay, there’s dead hair all over the six yard box.”

“Blanc’s been caught by the quick ball over the top there. He was expecting The Troggs and they’ve gone and hit him with a right Frank Zappa.”

“Villa’s midfield’s like a handful of premium bonds. They’re there but you’re not quite sure why.”

“Zola’s split the defence with a birthday ball there. Candles, the bumps, and a sloppy kiss off his Auntie Rita. The lot.”