Factual Healing: The Solar EclipsePosted: March 19, 2015
Tomorrow morning sees the first solar eclipse to hit the UK since 1999. But what IS a solar eclipse and why should we even give a toss about any of it? Here – have some factual healing…
The eclipse and the moon’s arse
A solar eclipse occurs when the moon needs to revitalise itself by standing directly in front of the sun and drawing energy from it. It does this by extending a long tube made from a combination of rock and flesh out of its anus, then inserting it into the heart of the sun and ingesting liquid fire up into its large intestine.
Without this, the moon would begin to shrivel up, eventually shrinking to the size of a cannon ball before falling from the sky and completely destroying Earth upon impact.
Time to invest in a facial sieve
Humans should not attempt to look directly at the solar eclipse with the naked eye, but there are many safe ways to see this miracle of nature without blinding yourself. Try rubbing natural yoghurt into your eyeballs immediately before looking at the eclipse, or view it through a facial sieve. Alternatively, if you blink repeatedly or squint a bit you should probably be alright.
All hail the Fonguran babies!
For its short duration, the solar eclipse will unlock a hidden 13th star sign, called Fongura. Any child born during the eclipse will become a lifelong secret Fonguran and display characteristics such as extreme lethargy, immunity from close-up evil and the ability to strip a motorbike engine in under three minutes.
Mmmm… tasty eclipse…
Due to its extreme power, the eclipse will leave Earth covered in a fine coating of moon dust. This is harmless and can be swept up and added to boiling water to make a delicious lunar gravy.
Watch out for hoax eclipses
You should beware of fake eclipses that could appear in the sky shortly before and after the official one. These are staged by criminal gangs who take advantage of the brief periods of darkness and confusion to carry out robberies.
Always confirm the official time of your local eclipse by ringing your mayor.