Ron Atkinson – ‘candles, the bumps, and a sloppy kiss off his Auntie Rita’

In 2004, I made up some ‘classic Ron Atkinson quotes’ for a spoof football news site called Sports Offensive. Don’t look for it; it’s not there any more… but here are the quotes…

“The ball’s gone over the top, the defence have stepped up but there’s no flag. After that it’s a one-on-one biscuit race between Owen and the keeper.”

“When you’re taking a free kick, the wall’s a bit like a porn film. You’re better off ignoring it or else you’ll just get distracted.”

“You’ve got to blame the defence there. The left-back came home early for his tea and got jam in his eye.”

“You can’t legislate for skill like that. He’s done a right Pan’s People on John O’Shea there.”

“Seven hours Palace fans have waited for a goal, and when they get one they’ll probably spell it wrong.”

“He’s gone up and given the centre-half a short back and sides there. Look at the replay, there’s dead hair all over the six yard box.”

“Blanc’s been caught by the quick ball over the top there. He was expecting The Troggs and they’ve gone and hit him with a right Frank Zappa.”

“Villa’s midfield’s like a handful of premium bonds. They’re there but you’re not quite sure why.”

“Zola’s split the defence with a birthday ball there. Candles, the bumps, and a sloppy kiss off his Auntie Rita. The lot.”

Rooney: No more robbing copper

Following the signing of his new multi-million pound contract with Manchester United, Wayne Rooney has declared: “It’s great – me and my dad can stop nicking metals now”.

One of the reasons for reaching a new financial deal was that manager Sir Alex Ferguson had discovered most of Rooney’s injuries were caused by him jumping off a church roof. “Wayne was thieving lead flashing and twisted his ankle jumping down when the vicar woke up”, revealed the United gaffer. “He also picked up a couple of knocks when some unsecured copper piping rolled off the back of his dad’s cart and hit Wayne on the knee”.

“These are happy times indeed”, says Fergsuon. “Not just for Wayne and his family but for the many residents in the Manchester area who have lost valuable pipework”.

Keith Richards – 'Football wasn't for me'

In a surprising revelation in his new autobiography ‘Life’, Rolling Stones guitarist Keith Richards has revealed he gave up a promising career in football “because of drugs”.

“Basically, I couldn’t get any”, complains the leather-faced guitar legend. “I was an apprentice at Brentford, the Bees, and we’d train during the day, clean a few boots then I’d head on down to Chiswick at night to catch some blues. I was a great defender. Liked to get stuck in. Caught a ref round the head with a skull ring when I was thirteen”.

Richards says the lack of good quality hash made him throw in the towel. “In the Sixties, apprentices were on three bob a week. I’d save it up to buy some decent puff. But no-one at the club was selling the good Moroccan slabs. Bert the groundsman used to slip me a few leapers and I know for a fact the Chairman was dealing horse, but could I get some decent marijuana? It was very disappointing”.

Though building a decent reputation for its access to heroin, it was Brentford’s neighbours Queens Park Rangers that offered the best cannabis in London. “The weed at that gaff was the very, very best”, cackles Richards.

Rooney pleads for brain jab

Striker in crisis Wayne Rooney has begged for drugs to improve his mental powers. Rooney’s representatives have issued a statement in which the out-of-touch England forward asks for doctors to help him ‘get more brain’.

The statement reads:

“We are today sending out a plea to medical professionals across the world to come forward and help our client increase his brain power. Mr. Rooney has recently watched the 1980s movie Gremlins 2. In it, Mr. Rooney says ‘I saw one of them gremlins drink some stuff and then he, like, got brains. Can I gets some brains like what he has done got?’

We have spoken to the producers of Gremlins 2 who have said that, sadly, the movie was fictional and such a potion does not exist. That is why we are asking doctors around the world to please let us know if they have any magic brain juice for Wayne. He has a lot of money and will spend it on your magic brain juice if you come forward with some”.

Spain – the secrets behind the men that won it

Spain have triumphed in the 2010 tournament and here’s some exclusive facts about the players…

IKER CASILLAS – Believes starfish are some kind of sea pastry made from fishy flour.
SERGIO RAMOS – Formerly Spain’s Hairiest Man, Ramos is sponsored by Veet.
GERARD PIQUE – Relaxes by busking with an accordion and pet marmoset outside Seville railway station.
CARLES PUYOL (pictured) – Recently launched a business to create synthetic synthetics.
JOAN CAPDEVILA – Spain’s first solar-powered player, has panel implants in skull.
SERGIO BUSQUETS – Midfield general also plays fuzz bass in Spanish metal outfit Bullsphincter.
PEDRO RODRIGUEZ – Favourite shingle : 6mm Pea.
XAVI HERNANDEZ – Is thought to have made hot, Latino love to 17% of European women.
XABI ALONSO – Lives in the world’s smallest windmill.
ANDRES INIESTA – Weight 29.18 Tonnes, Length 19.92 Metres, Width 2.82 Metres.
DAVID VILLA – Mercurial hitman goes by the graff tag “Kettle”.
FERNANDO TORRES – Favourite Homebase paint colour: Driftwood.
CESC FABREGAS – has tattoo of chorizo sausage on left shoulder.
JESUS NAVAS – Not actually a real person, Navas is world’s first animated 3D player.

Shorts Offensive – news round-up

Real Madrid boss Jose Mourinho this morning revealed he is hiding a giant minge in his recently-built clocktower.

Sir Alex Ferguson is set to launch a bid for out-of-favour Real Madrid forward Chiddy Bang but the Manchester United boss must first secure funds by selling his collection of living cheeses.

Winger Hameur Bouazza has added two extra letter ‘Z’s to his surname and will share in the additional profits from shirt printing. Hameur Bzouzazza hopes to make an extra four pounds this season.

Cardiff midfielder Joe Ledley (pictured right, looking disgusted) is reportedly suing a local fairground after discovering human ejaculate in a sealed coconut.

Galatasaray’s Turkish winger Arda Turan has fallen into a wormhole in space. His agent says, “When he reappears, either tomorrow or several millennia into the future, he will sign for Liverpool”.

Arsenal has taken the extreme measure of sealing their playing staff in clingfilm. “We have been experiencing problems with the fallout from the ash cloud” says manager Arsene Wenger. “The squad is covered sticky layer of dust. Clingfilm will keep everything clean”

England keeper David James is reportedly in talks to join Fairport Convention but new Portsmouth boss Robert Wyatt is confident of persuading James to stay at Fratton Park by offering free harmonium lessons and asking Henry Cow to reform.

FA deny 'vuvubongzela' left behind in England dressing room

Following the failure of England in the World Cup, FA bosses have rushed to deny reports of drug paraphenalia left in the dressing room after the ignominious defeat to Germany.

Stories are circulating that cleaners found a home made device that is thought to have been some kind of pipe for smoking cannabis.

An FA spokesman said: “There is no substance to the stories that a pipe, which some people have described as a vuvubongzela, was discovered in a player’s locker.”

“Neither is it true that an order went out for eleven deep dish Meat Feast pizzas at half time”.

The FA refuted all allegations that the national side may have played under the influence of illegal drugs, saying: “Even if they had each smoked an eighth of skunk they couldn’t have played as badly as they did against Germany.”