The definitive list of #madeupsexacts

About two years ago, I came up with a load of #madeupsexacts on Twitter. Here they all are again. See how many you can imagine before you need to spend some special time alone…..

Indoor Dentistry

Remastering Electronic’s second album

Taking the pig to market

Borrowing God’s socks

Cancelling a standing order

Draining the Zambezi

Contacting the ombudsman

Singing the browns

Conquering the Cayman Islands

Supporting the Brand New Heavies

Upgrading to HD

Upstairs parachuting

Giving away the image rights

Knocking the top seed out in the quarter-finals

Burping the keynote speech

Getting the bonus ball

Observing the 10pm curfew

Ignoring the lodger

Combing the beach for old coins

Ash Wednesday

Puking the blue Smartie


Exercising the witch

Hosting the Eurovision

Bombing the car boot sale

Special J

Chatting with Edwyn Collins

Crop rotation

Queuing up for Pearl Jam tickets

Intimidating the witness

DMing Pee Wee Herman

Sneaking in to the labour exchange

Peter Panning / Tinkerbelling

Liberating Illinois

Handing back the MBE

Paddling in the septic tank

Unlearning Yiddish

Council Hutchence

Fiddling while Rome bursts

Fanning Her Majesty

Ignoring the gymkhana

September 11th

Feeding Boss Hogg

Bottling Morrissey

Dot Cottoning

Loving the alien

Mining for spam

Driving Miss Daisy

Escalating the grievance

Drizzling the beatnik

Getting to know James Bolam

Decorating the panic room

Multi-Coloured Swap Shop

Being affected by one of the issues in tonight’s show

Drinking the bra dry

Cheese and cheese and cheese and cheese and cheese and cheese and biscuits

Spoiling the Durham Miners’ Gala


Who says machines don’t have empathy?

Got the January blues? Take heed of the advice handed out by this car park ticket machine in Durham…

Who needs Sherlock when you could have this…

Typical – bemused by the success of Sherlock, you try to come up with a winning alternative idea for BBC1’s Sunday evening line up. Having duly thought of one, you then do a quick Google search only to realise that it’s been done before.

Now I must go and mournfully throw away my hastily-written one page treatment for ‘Starfish Hitler’…

My new eBook – Factual Healing – only 99p

Factual Healing is my new eBook – a collection of some of the most incredible facts about a wide range of subjects, from hospitals to prisons to babies to booze. You can read an excerpt from it here.

Please note that factuality of facts contained within the book cannot be verified. Do not attempt to use any of them in a life or death situation.

But the good news is that you can have it nestling in your phone or e-reading device in just a few seconds time for only 99p (or for £1.02 in the Kindle Store – not sure why it costs more there to be honest)


To buy it in .mobi format (for Kindle), click this button.

Add to Cart


To buy it in .epub format (iBooks and other e-readers), click this button.

Add to Cart


To buy it in a slightly crappy-looking PDF format, click this button

Add to Cart

 You can also get the best-selling (ahem) Dead Princess Diaries by @DianaInHeaven on the same formats here.

What Michael Jackson will look like in the year 2000

Or at least according to Ebony magazine in 1985. Brace yourselves, because it’s eerily accurate…

[via @harikunzru]

Wikipedia’s So Solid Crew member list

Earlier on, I was alerted to the FULL list of So Solid Crew members on Wikipedia. It was a thing of wonder. Shortly afterwards, it was removed from the site, probably by laugh-allergic boffins. So I got a screengrab. Here it all is….

(By the way, I didn’t write any of this, although I wish I had)

Factual Healing: Those Euro 2012 teams…

We’re all familiar with England and the Republic of Ireland, but ahead of this evening’s tournament draw, what do we REALLY know about the rest of the nations that will competing in Euro 2012 next summer? Here’s your chance to bone up on them with some little-known facts about the ‘other teams’…

CROATIA: The Croatian national anthem includes the line “Burn down the disco, hang the blessed DJ”, which was stolen by The Smiths for their 1986 hit single, Panic.

RUSSIA: Russian midfielder Igor Semshov has the world’s largest collection of grey pubic hairs, which have been posted to him by ageing Dynamo Moscow supporters following a plea in the club’s matchday programme.

DENMARK: The entire Danish nation is hoping to repeat their success of Euro 92 by refusing to acknowledge that they are even in the tournament until a month before it begins.

FRANCE: The French squad are planning to eschew the traditional recording of a pre-tournament pop single. Instead, Nicolas Sarkozy has commissioned them to engrave the names of their mothers on to a solid gold banana, which the French President plans to keep for himself.

POLAND: Due to a loophole in UEFA law, Poland believe that, as they are hosts, they can field as many ‘players’ as they can fit on to the pitch. Secret plans are afoot for them to flood the pitch with hundreds of men, women and children during every match in a desperate bid to win the tournament.

ITALY: Due to a complicated administrative error, Italian midfielder Thiago Motta recently celebrated his 108th birthday.

PORTUGAL: The Portugal squad are planning to bond ahead of Euro 2012 by touring the country with their self-produced musical adaptation of ‘The Life Aquatic with Steve Zissou’.

GREECE: Owing to the ongoing economic meltdown in their country, the Greek squad have been told that if they progress beyond the group stages of Euro 2012, they can have ‘all the minerals’.

SWEDEN: Veteran Swedish midfielder Anders Svensson says that his longevity at football’s top level is down to the four hours a day he spends leaning against his washing machine. ‘Full spin,’ he says, ‘full fucking spin’.

UKRAINE: The tournament co-hosts are keen to take part with no discernible home advantage over the other teams. Before every match, sports hypnotists will convince their players that they are in fact competing in an impromptu kickabout in a San Francisco park in 1968.

NETHERLANDS: Dutch commentator Gregor Van Der Straaten says that whenever he isn’t commentating on the action during a match, he’ll be repeatedly mumbling “Euro Euro Euro Euro Euro” into his microphone, in the same style as a Kabaddi player.

GERMANY: Coach Joachim Löw eats 500 jelly crocodiles every day.

CZECH REPUBLIC: The Czech government have promised that if the team make it to the final, every child in the country will be given a free ping pong ball filled with heroin.

SPAIN: Spanish midfielder Sergio Busquets is awaiting a decision from UEFA confirming that he will be allowed to play while wearing any of his seven removable noses during the tournament.