Remastering Electronic’s second album
Taking the pig to market
Borrowing God’s socks
Cancelling a standing order
Draining the Zambezi
Contacting the ombudsman
Singing the browns
Conquering the Cayman Islands
Supporting the Brand New Heavies
Upgrading to HD
Giving away the image rights
Knocking the top seed out in the quarter-finals
Burping the keynote speech
Getting the bonus ball
Observing the 10pm curfew
Ignoring the lodger
Combing the beach for old coins
Puking the blue Smartie
Exercising the witch
Hosting the Eurovision
Bombing the car boot sale
Chatting with Edwyn Collins
Queuing up for Pearl Jam tickets
Intimidating the witness
DMing Pee Wee Herman
Sneaking in to the labour exchange
Peter Panning / Tinkerbelling
Handing back the MBE
Paddling in the septic tank
Fiddling while Rome bursts
Fanning Her Majesty
Ignoring the gymkhana
Feeding Boss Hogg
Loving the alien
Mining for spam
Driving Miss Daisy
Escalating the grievance
Drizzling the beatnik
Getting to know James Bolam
Decorating the panic room
Multi-Coloured Swap Shop
Being affected by one of the issues in tonight’s show
Drinking the bra dry
Cheese and cheese and cheese and cheese and cheese and cheese and biscuits
Spoiling the Durham Miners’ Gala
Got the January blues? Take heed of the advice handed out by this car park ticket machine in Durham…
Typical – bemused by the success of Sherlock, you try to come up with a winning alternative idea for BBC1’s Sunday evening line up. Having duly thought of one, you then do a quick Google search only to realise that it’s been done before.
Now I must go and mournfully throw away my hastily-written one page treatment for ‘Starfish Hitler’…
Factual Healing is my new eBook – a collection of some of the most incredible facts about a wide range of subjects, from hospitals to prisons to babies to booze. You can read an excerpt from it here.
Please note that factuality of facts contained within the book cannot be verified. Do not attempt to use any of them in a life or death situation.
But the good news is that you can have it nestling in your phone or e-reading device in just a few seconds time for only 99p (or for £1.02 in the Kindle Store – not sure why it costs more there to be honest)
To buy it in .mobi format (for Kindle), click this button.
To buy it in .epub format (iBooks and other e-readers), click this button.
To buy it in a slightly crappy-looking PDF format, click this button
Or at least according to Ebony magazine in 1985. Brace yourselves, because it’s eerily accurate…
Earlier on, I was alerted to the FULL list of So Solid Crew members on Wikipedia. It was a thing of wonder. Shortly afterwards, it was removed from the site, probably by laugh-allergic boffins. So I got a screengrab. Here it all is….
(By the way, I didn’t write any of this, although I wish I had)
We’re all familiar with England and the Republic of Ireland, but ahead of this evening’s tournament draw, what do we REALLY know about the rest of the nations that will competing in Euro 2012 next summer? Here’s your chance to bone up on them with some little-known facts about the ‘other teams’…
CROATIA: The Croatian national anthem includes the line “Burn down the disco, hang the blessed DJ”, which was stolen by The Smiths for their 1986 hit single, Panic.
RUSSIA: Russian midfielder Igor Semshov has the world’s largest collection of grey pubic hairs, which have been posted to him by ageing Dynamo Moscow supporters following a plea in the club’s matchday programme.
FRANCE: The French squad are planning to eschew the traditional recording of a pre-tournament pop single. Instead, Nicolas Sarkozy has commissioned them to engrave the names of their mothers on to a solid gold banana, which the French President plans to keep for himself.
POLAND: Due to a loophole in UEFA law, Poland believe that, as they are hosts, they can field as many ‘players’ as they can fit on to the pitch. Secret plans are afoot for them to flood the pitch with hundreds of men, women and children during every match in a desperate bid to win the tournament.
ITALY: Due to a complicated administrative error, Italian midfielder Thiago Motta recently celebrated his 108th birthday.
PORTUGAL: The Portugal squad are planning to bond ahead of Euro 2012 by touring the country with their self-produced musical adaptation of ‘The Life Aquatic with Steve Zissou’.
GREECE: Owing to the ongoing economic meltdown in their country, the Greek squad have been told that if they progress beyond the group stages of Euro 2012, they can have ‘all the minerals’.
SWEDEN: Veteran Swedish midfielder Anders Svensson says that his longevity at football’s top level is down to the four hours a day he spends leaning against his washing machine. ‘Full spin,’ he says, ‘full fucking spin’.
UKRAINE: The tournament co-hosts are keen to take part with no discernible home advantage over the other teams. Before every match, sports hypnotists will convince their players that they are in fact competing in an impromptu kickabout in a San Francisco park in 1968.
NETHERLANDS: Dutch commentator Gregor Van Der Straaten says that whenever he isn’t commentating on the action during a match, he’ll be repeatedly mumbling “Euro Euro Euro Euro Euro” into his microphone, in the same style as a Kabaddi player.
GERMANY: Coach Joachim Löw eats 500 jelly crocodiles every day.
CZECH REPUBLIC: The Czech government have promised that if the team make it to the final, every child in the country will be given a free ping pong ball filled with heroin.
SPAIN: Spanish midfielder Sergio Busquets is awaiting a decision from UEFA confirming that he will be allowed to play while wearing any of his seven removable noses during the tournament.